There’s a song by Nikka Costa that I love. It’s called Push & Pull. The lyrics go like this:
Mr. Nothing’s got a lot. He’s got a lot to say. He’s good at being what he’s not. Gives nothing away.
Another day goes on by. And he never speaks his heart. He takes his chance with what he’s got. It’s too late now to stop.
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot. It’s tying you up while you’re fadin’…
You give and you take and take what you got. Round and round’til it breaks and you push and you pull and struggle with the knot. It’s tying you up while you’re fadin’ into your lie.
The song reminds me so much of a woman I know and love dearly. She’s struggling with her own knot, which causes her to act out in what we’ll call “hurt people hurt people” behavior. She’s persistently angry at something she can’t see. There’s a lie she tells herself about her life that’s got her bound to it. You know this is the case because you can look at her life and see all the blessings in it. She’s cared for in every way you can think of. And some ways you may not think of. Perfection is irrelevant. There are folk on this planet that may never experience in their own lives the level of comfort she’s surrounded with daily.
If you let her tell it, everything in her world is against her. While all of her physical needs are met, she can only see what she thinks she doesn’t have. While she is physically surrounded by people who love her and who have literally allowed her (even enabled) her process–despite her venom– she only seems to see herself as a victim of some murder mystery or another she creates in her head. So, she walks the planet feeling persecuted by an invisible “everything”. She can trust (nor respect) no one because she can’t trust (nor respect) her own self. She’s a victim of something she can’t articulate. She’s been violated by something or someone that hasn’t yet materialized. But she knows its there. Whatever it is that’s persecuting her, she may not be able to see it, but it’s there.
We all know people like this, don’t we? Their knots may differ, but any knot can be boiled down to perceived pain (real or otherwise). Knot struggling folk are people who have practiced their pain for so long, even when there isn’t anything going on to cause them pain, they’ll find pain anyway. Even if they have to make it up themselves. It’s complicated to be around people like this. Particularly when they are loved ones. They tend to be hurt people who hurt people. The uninitiated may engage, cuss or argue with these folk, not seeing what’s really there– A big, bloated pain body, seething for attention. We may judge these people as crazy, depressed, and toxic or even toss them aside as though they’re broken, faulty and therefore value-less . The truth is, they aren’t broken, faulty, or lacking value (although they may actually be depressed and/or struggling with mental illness– to be clear). In most cases though, these folk are just very practiced in whatever they’ve chosen their worldview to be.
There are people who may live 90 years. Then there are people who live 1 year, 90 times. Think about that for a sec. Uh-huh. You know somebody like that don’t you?
You didn’t know?! Oh, yes. We define what our life looks like through years and years of practice. Our worldview is a learned behavior. We learn it subconsciously from parents, friends, siblings, our environment, religious faith, culture and any number of things that cross our paths. However many years we’ve been walking this planet, is however much time we’ve been practicing which lens we’re gonna view the world with. Lots of folk choose pain and complaint because they don’t know they can choose differently. They only know what they see, choose to see, and expect to see from years and years and years of practice.
I heard something profound a few weeks ago. There are people who may live 90 years. Then there are people who live 1 year, 90 times. Think about that for a sec. Uh-huh. You know somebody like that don’t you? Point that finger if you want to. Which brings us to the pain-body–which isn’t exactly related, but it kindof is. Eckhart Tolle talks about the pain body at length in his book The Power of Now. Tolle describes the pain body like this:
“The pain-body wants to survive, just like every other entity in existence, and it can only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it. It can then rise up, take you over, “become you,” and live through you. It needs to get its “food” through you. It will feed on any experience that resonates with its own kind of energy, anything that creates further pain in whatever form: anger, destructiveness, hatred, grief, emotional drama, violence, and even illness. So the pain-body, when it has taken you over, will create a situation in your life that reflects back its own energy frequency for it to feed on. Pain can only feed on pain. Pain cannot feed on joy. It finds it quite indigestible.”
When I read this book a few years ago and learned about pain-bodies and such, it began to put things in a different perspective for me. I began to see people and their attitudes toward life differently. Most importantly, I began to look at my attitude toward life differently. Tolle also points out that some of the people with the densest pain bodies, once they acknowledge its existence in them, can become the most deeply connected spiritually because of their “stripes”. Seriously though, look at how powerfully pain can act as a teacher and guide post for transformation and even the evolutionary process. When people get sick and tired of being sick and tired, they have two options, check out or check in. Those who check in tell the best stories and consequently, impact the most lives.
I am a firm believer that most of the trials and “struggle” we walk with is learned behavior. As real as “struggle” may feel at the time, a lot of us don’t know that we CAN choose ease and grace. A lot of us don’t know that it is our birthright to not have to struggle with the knot. It’s a choice. Sure we may have been born into some ffffffed up situations. Sure we may have met with our very ginormous share of complications. Sure, there are people who have crossed our path and shown us every amount of no good known to (wo)man. And still. We can forgive, heal, and have peace if we choose it.
We don’t know this because we’ve been socialized to believe in our pain. We’ve been told that we get the most attention and love from others when we have something impossibly arduous to complain about. We open conversations with anyone earshot about the “pleasantries” of our “struggle”. Sharing how much our lives may “suck” has become the treasures of our culture. Having too much to smile about is *ugh* to some folk. We think fulfilling life partnerships involve an elaborate push and pull of “it’s complicated” and/or a tug of war where there can be only one victor… a fight to the death. And that’s what we think love is designed to be. If my heart hasn’t been smashed to bits, it’s not love, I haven’t lived. We say to ourselves subconsciously, I don’t feel alive without my drama. So we choose people and circumstances that aid and abet our need for that drama. Because we learned a long time ago that drama (in our existence) is way more exciting than ease and grace. High drama gets more attention. It’s a way better story to tell our friends than that one about how my life is so awesome because I want it to be.
When people get sick and tired of being sick and tired, they have two options, check out or check in. Those who check in tell the best stories and consequently, impact the most lives.
Part of the high drama is the pain that we have going on. But the other part is the vindictiveness and revenge we get to play out afterward. Hon-tee. We put ourselves in dastardly circumstances and then sit around and fester about how we’ll get back “with interest”. We are persistently drinking the poison of these lies we tell ourselves. Meanwhile, expecting someone else to die. Because revenge is a cultural staple. Revenge is sexy right? Oh how we keekee and kawkaw about how we’ve made someone pay for the pain they’ve caused us–which consequently–we put ourselves in because we made that life choice. Funny though. This revenge turns out to be a kind of self-deprecation. The world has hurt me, so I punish myself–thinking I’m punishing you. Knot. Meet. Struggle.
Last week we talked about the idea of wanting for everyone what we want for ourselves. Even people we feel have hurt us. This is probably the most selfish/unselfish concept you can Cleopatra Ninja pose at. On the one hand, by doing this, we free ourselves from that icky feeling that happens when we give our power away– by thinking anyone outside of us has control over our happiness. By lifting these folk up, we are also lifting up ourselves. It really does change the dynamic of the quality of our lives. It changes the conversations we have with ourselves. Now. I never said this was easy. I said it was a practice. A habit even. This isn’t about being forced or fake either. By all means, have at it with your being pissed off for whatever. But. After you’re done having your tantrum, can you also see that somehow whatever you’re feeling or going through is leading you to your greatest good? Yes? No? Shove it, Envy? Sure, it’s a process. We’ve all learned for the most part that life’s a bitch and then you marry one or whatever. Remember, ANYTHING that is learned, can be unlearned.
Which brings us back to where this conversation began. This struggle with the knot has been going on since before any of us were born. It’s designed into the very fabric of society. We socialize our kids with this idea, as subconsciously as breathing. We have gripes. We aren’t good enough. We aren’t pretty or handsome enough. We aren’t strong or smart enough. We aren’t rich enough. There’s always somebody to compete with. “How come he/she gets to pop bottles and lie to (wo)men in music videos and I don’t?!” “Where’s MY mansion at?!” We build our life’s work on grudges and overcoming “struggles” and “fighting” against very real injustices from the same mind wave that these injustices were born. The ideals of our pain are even built in our everyday vocabulary. These ideals are in fairy tales and modern discourse. We are told that any and everything is safer than we are. We are taught not to look within for guidance but to any notion outside of us that may make more sense at the time than we do. We chase our tales (and tails) in this regard because we are persistently looking for something outside of us that can only be found on the inside.
By all means, have at it with your being pissed off for whatever. But. After you’re done having your tantrum, can you also see that somehow whatever you’re feeling or going through is leading you to your greatest good? Yes? No? Shove it, Envy?
Our wholeness is inward. Our peace is inside. Our happiness stems completely from how we view ourselves and thus, the world we’ve chosen by way of our most persistent thoughts. We believe and have been taught to believe we don’t have a choice in the matter. Life is what it is. We struggle with the knot because we don’t know that our lives are exactly what we decide them to be. We choose. We design. Our thoughts are the things that populate our lives. We are only persecuted by life when we decide we are. It’s really as simple and as “complicated” as that. We struggle with the knot because we haven’t figured out that we don’t have to. Our pain bodies (collective and otherwise) begin to dissolve when we acknowledge they exist. We begin to heal when we face ourselves. Our thoughts begin to change when we take full 100% ownership of our own lives. Our lives change when we take full 100% ownership of our thoughts. What comes after your “I AM” is how the re-framing of this conversation you have with yourself begins.
I know, I know. Bloody esoteric, Envy. I get it. For some, this is such a froufrou concept because you can think of contrillion ways that life has thrown you the blow of champions. Fine. Meanwhile, I’ve been there too. I know exactly what that blow feels like when it hits the gut region and knocks the wind right out of you. I know what it feels like to crumple over in agony and wish to God the pain would end. I also know what it feels like to scramble myself up and choose peace instead of pain. To choose to believe even this is serving my greatest good. To choose authentic forgiveness and happiness over victimization. To stay my gaze on what I want for my life, rather than wallow miserably in what I don’t want or think I don’t have. To unlearn any beliefs that don’t correlate with my greatest good. I didn’t come to this understanding easily. Yes, it’s been a process, that became my practice.
Through this practice, I’ve discovered struggling with the knot is really about perception. You can cut your fingers and disfigure your hands trying to break yourself free from what binds you. Or you can come to a similar conclusion as Neo, via The Matrix, when he met that spoon bending kid at the Oracle’s crib. Yeah. There is no knot.
The moral of this story? I haven’t the foggiest clue. You? Thank you for reading this though. Peace and abundant “no seriously, there is no knot” blessings. Love, -e-