I’m Home.

Hey you. I know. It’s been a loooooooong time. I’ve had my reasons. Rather, instructions.  I had a lot of healing to do. Unpacking. Unlearning. Re-imagining what my life could be. Again. It’s been a process.

I wanted to write. I tried.

There were many moments I sat in this chair (or one similar) and began to begin to write something. I’ve had pockets of flourishes, but they were short-lived. There were grandiose thoughts that clinked around in my awareness. Ideas I wanted to flesh out that just sat there in my piles of journals like laundry I’d never get to.

I’ve asked myself a gagillion times “What do I really want? What am I here to give? What does the world need?” And have gotten all the answers and none of the momentum at the same time. Bleh. There are so many things going on to want to chime in and have a point of view about–particularly from a spiritual literacy lens. Believe me, I started to. I had all these plans…but Spirit was just like, nah. Sit. Watch and learn. And WERK. Tuh.

And so I did. I also went about living my best, relaxed life. You know, growing food, working my WERK and being around for my kid and stuff. I had no idea what I would glean from being quiet in the moments I wanted to make a ruckus. I had no idea what power I would garner by practicing restraint. I had no idea if the best I was supposed to be able to do was blurbs on FB and quick musings on IG. I had no idea how long I would be able to collect my anger from–you know, the fuckery–until I had enough vexation saved up to show off at parties. I was, however, persistently in prayer and meditation. When the going got wonky, I would be reminded of this quote:

You choose at every moment whether to exhibit the idea of power or not. But heed the idea that while you may think that certain actions show power–the true demonstration of power is awareness, compassion and the lightest possible touch. That which has the greatest power, requires the lightest possible touch to get something done. A great deal of pushing comes from those who feel powerless–that feel they must manipulate and push things into the direction they wish them to go. Those who already know they are part of the infinite…those who already know there is no power greater than the one they are already a part of, need not exercise a demonstration, for they know in their allowance all things fall into place. That allowance is the greatest power that can be reflected to anyone else. ~Bashar

I suppose I’m not surprised that after finishing my 3rd 40 days fast in 3 years, and my 3rd Tough Mudder in 5–  within the next week or so, I began to feel like the “on hold” button of my “outside voice” was finally released. There is power in 3.  Or maybe I just needed time. Maybe I just needed to rest and do something different for a while. To gain some perspective without the responsibility of having a public point of view. Maybe, in this age of the persistent fishbowl,  I needed to remember that success looks different when nobody is watching. It feels different too.

It’s funny, I knew I was “back” during a recent conversation with a long time friend of mine. We were breezing along about something–I don’t remember exactly what–when this crazy, Serena-level flow took over me. I knew what it was when I felt it. I had been waiting for it with open palms and baited breath. What was new, was this underlying reverence to the idea that while I may want to do this work and command this ship, I serve at the pleasure of source energy. My words and my voice and my compulsion to create are gifts from the ether to be used for the good of those I share this journey with. You.

It’s good to be home. More soon come.