I haven’t sat down to write one of these since 2009. I wasn’t going to attempt it this year either. When I sit down to reflect these days, I like to do it privately. I’ll typically have my journal in hand, my zafu and zabuton pretty close by–just in case– and some sage to smoke out the funky energy stuff. I did a good bit of that yesterday, so today I’m like meh. I’ve learned so so so so much this past year and I’ve been viewing today as a sort of reset. Like, today is day 1 of something magnanimous. I can also say with some amount of emphasis, I’m currently in the tail end of a total life purge. Like. Total. I can’t think of a single thing from my old life that is still breathing or hasn’t been looked through, sorted, and/or removed altogether. Not one single thing. AND considering that soooooo much has happened since my last birthday, it makes sense that I reflect a bit on what I’ve learned from where I’ve been, that’s also helping to shape where I’m headed. We’ll stick with the top 5, cause I honestly, as much as I love you, have no interest in being here writing this post all day. I got love-ing and life-ing to do. Luh ya tho boo.
1. Blessings Are Everywhere. Help Always Comes.
I had a flat tire this morning. Like a total blow out. It sucked a whole heap of a lot. But I wasn’t angry or pissy or really much of anything except determined to get my daughter to her bus stop on time and that exact thing happened. Blam! Blessing. I’m a handy kind of gal. I can change tires, fix actual flats with the tire darning kit, change head and tail lights and soon I’ll have conquered the art of changing side view mirrors. Everything is a puzzle in my head that can always be figured out. I’m even darned strong for a girl– and a boy. Yoga makes me vicious. But today after I schlepped the jack and the donut out of the trunk and cranked the car up to ‘change a tire’ height, I hit a literal wall of my capability. I couldn’t loosen those danged lug nuts with my own arm power. Imagine me– a person who honestly believes I can and will do anything I decide I will, like… I do impossible stuff– not being able to do something. And for such a boring reason like–I’m not physically strong enough. I laughed out loud.
This time last year, I maybe would have gotten frustrated and cussed that tire out, but today, I was deeply joyful, peaceful and boundlessly happy. I was wearing pajamas and my mink (I left my sequins at home because I didn’t think I would need them). It’s impossible to be grumpy out in the brick wearing pajamas and a mink. Try it. Anyway, every which way I tried, those lug nuts weren’t moving, so I sat in the car for a little minute to get warm and simply asked a question: “What do you want me to do? I could be done and home by now, if not for these lug nuts. What will you have me do?” And then I sat in the car and waited. I wasn’t pressed. I just kind of instinctively knew everything was all good. Then, I got the compulsion to get back out of the car and try some lug nut energy kung fu I thought would work in my head. It didn’t. I tried shimmying the wrench to loosen the lug nut. No dice. At this point I was just creatively throwing shit against the wall to see if anything had the gumption to stick. It was kindof fun, just not terribly effective. Then this weird van pulled in to the development and up the driveway of the house I was across the street from. The van looked like one of those conspiracy theorist, alien observer jawns. It was maroon and had lights decorating the front. It was a highly unusual van, I will say. I suppose it’s only weird in retrospect, cause at the time, I was making up a dance called ‘These Lug Nuts Won’t Budge”. So. I’m playing with my life, and from out of the blue I hear:
I spin myself up and find myself in the presence of two regular looking guys.
“Good Morning!” I say, brightly.
“You need some help?” one of the guys, Val, I think, asked.
“Yes!!!! I can’t make these lug nuts move.” I say with a smile.
So without saying much else, the one guy takes the ratchet wrench thingy from me and proceeds to loosen all 5 lug nuts like they were screwed on by a 2 year old. I giggled so loudly, it was awkward. Mostly because the guy wasn’t taller than me and his arms didn’t look much bigger than mine. But with ease and grace he finished the rest of changing my tire from the point that I got stuck and even put air in the tire spare, so I wouldn’t have to. I gave them both big hugs, they told me happy birthday and off I went on my gimp horse into the sunrise.
The Lesson I got from this morning’s potential fuckery? Blessings Are Everywhere. Help Always Comes. By the one simple act of humbling myself to the situation, recognizing my strengths and weakness, asking for guidance and surrendering to being open to that help when it showed up 5 seconds later–everything I needed fell right in my lap. Then you might say, well why come God put you in that situation to start Envy? Your tire didn’t have to explode at all you know. And I say to that, you are exactly right. But if my tire hadn’t exploded, I wouldn’t have had this particular special gem of insight of how far I’ve come in my spirit studies on this particular special day of spiritual renewal. So. K.
2. Life is ALWAYS for you, so NOTHING in Life can be Against You.
I learned this insight many years ago, but I will say it rounded out its integration in my spirit this past year. I told you I’ve been purging these past several months. Some things have been on purpose and some things have just crapped out on me. Including people, places and things. We’ll include my car and my practically new computer in this discussion. This time last year, I was hosting The Envy McKee Show on The FN Radio. This year on my birthday, I am not hosting The Envy McKee Show on The FN Radio. If I had known on last year’s birthday that for reasons beyond my control that a mere three months later, The FN Radio would go belly up (on some “N*ggas Be Like” meme tip), I would have enjoyed more than one 1/4 of a glass of champagne that day. Poo. I’ve never publicly talked about what happened there and I won’t now either. I’ll most likely save it for my memoirs, but who’s to say. But I can say, although in retrospect, I can’t think of anything I would change. I was mad pissed at the time. The whole scenario was dumb and yucky and a pointless waste of so many people’s time–because of one person’s funky ego. And yet, it happened and I had to forgive the situation and heal and pack up my lessons and figure out what to do with them. It turns out, If I hadn’t done that show, I wouldn’t have gained the confidence and insight I needed to finish and publish my first book The Stellar Trilogy, Book 1: Among Us. It also turns out that if I hadn’t finished and published Book 1, we wouldn’t now be on the emergence of Book 2: Awake; a movie of Book 1 on the horizon and you about to meet a new awesome, amazing, totally unexpected Superhero that will rock your whole world. (!!!!!) Dude. I see it so clearly, I wish I could show you the scenes in my head. All of that right there is unfolding, simply because I live this one insight daily: Life is ALWAYS for you, so NOTHING in Life can be Against You. The more of us who start to get this and truly embrace it, the more of us who will walk the planet cured of our anger gene for good and living our most vibrant, awesome lives.
3. Purpose Unfolds, It Doesn’t Plop.
I used to think I knew my purpose. I mean, I used to think I had my life path all figured out and that because I had these specific sets of talents that I do with all kinds of ease and no real need to think about, I knew everything I was here to do. My idea of having a purpose was a little bit like finding your luggage at the airport. We all stand at the carousel with our eyes at the top where the luggage comes out and slides down and spins around the conveyor until we see that clunky piece of our own that holds all the clothes, shoes and toiletries and such we’ll need for our trip. Most of us over pack for a weekend trip, so our luggage is always way too heavy for any normal person to want to drag through the airport and to whichever form of transportation is scheduled to get us to our actual destination. Ever notice that when you pull the suitcase up from the carousel, it’s like the heaviest thing ever? Plus, it always makes a deep plop, blam, or thunk sound when it hits the floor? It’s supposed to, that ish is heavy. Depending on how strong your arms are, will determine the depth of the plop, blam or thunk. But filled up suitcases always make the same sound coming off the conveyor belt. It plops. Heavy like. Even thinking about this scenario is a lot. I’m tired now. Lawd.
Turns out, our purpose works nothing like this. If anything, it’s a completely empty suitcase that fills up as you travel though life. Some things stay in and some things get switched out, based on what you need. Meanwhile, your needs are always evolving. An empty suitcase doesn’t plop. It glides. Particularly if the wheels are well kept. I say all of this to say, I started my career almost a decade ago believing I was here to do one thing and it turns out everything I’ve done, was mostly molding me to do something else entirely. It’s related. It’s all connected. It’s all important AND there is about ZERO way I would have figured myself here from where I started. Finding my purpose on this planet was an unfoldment through many years, it didn’t just fall (plop) in my lap. Also, I learned most about this compelling idea this past birth year after releasing my first of a series of sci-fi/fantasy novels. So. Wow, right? Purpose Unfolds, It Doesn’t Plop.
4. Forgive EVERYTHING + Slugs Always Get Where They’re Going.
This summer and early fall (whilst it was still warm), I spent a lot of time outside sitting on the front porch. I get my best ideas and insights in the peace and quiet of outside. Even if there is bustle happening around me, when I’m outside, the bustle feels much smaller and the peace and quiet much more vast. If its warm out, I can stay outside writing for hours. This was particularly helpful during the 9-10 weeks I embarked myself on a forgiveness journey that quite possibly changed everything for me. What I was up to was what I called 70×7. It’s a forgiveness practice I learned from Spritual Teacher Edwene Gaines. The task–which becomes grueling– I promise, requires you to write lines of forgiveness 35 times in the morning and 35 times in the evening for 7 days per person. In pencil. “I _______ forgive _________ completely.” You start with your immediate family (parents, siblings, children) and work your way out to extended family, spouses, lovers, other folk children, enemies, frenemies, people who irk you and etc. You do your immediate family no matter what and with the rest, you let spirit guide your focus to who you didn’t even realize you still harbor resentment toward. Like if you find yourself complaining about one specific person. That person is a great candidate for a 70×7. Yes. It takes a week to get through one person. No, you can’t skimp. Although, I did find that it can work as a collective. For my brother and sister I wrote “I, Envy McKee, forgive my brother completely” for a week and then did the same for my sister the next week. Since we’re all technically a part of one big spirit family, this wasn’t done out of laziness (allegedly), it was consciously done to include more people I wouldn’t even know I had resentment toward. It was kindof cool because some people came up this day or that whom I hadn’t even thought about in years. This worked for me, but also keep in mind I’m already a more than generous forgiving person to start. There are some folk in your psyche who definitely require a whole week to themselves. Use your best judgement.
So for 9-10 weeks, I’m sitting on my front porch at 9 or 10’oclock at night writing the second half of my 70×7 for the day and I’m all intrigued because it’s like THEE slug capital of the world where I’m sitting. I’m not the biggest fan of bugs, but I don’t go around killing them either. I just let them be and watch their work, so long as they leave me alone, is all. So I’m watching these slugs moving from hither to tither leaving their iridescent trail as they went and it really was a beautiful process to watch. I’d look at one (and I was looking, just to make sure they weren’t coming for me) and it’d be far, far away. And then I look up a minute later and that jawn is slicking by my shoe. I was like whuh?! All this time I’m thinking slugs are slow and they’re fast as hell because they simply keep their pace. We have slugs all wrong. They’re focused. They have one track minds, they set out to get somewhere and they get there. They don’t give a care how long you think they should take to get somewhere. They have their own pacing and all they care about is they WILL get where they’re going. That’s it. And they do. Turns out, slugs were my animal totem for that length of time–and believe, I needed to believe I had some sort of cheerleader during that period of my life. We’ll talk about the significance of animal totems in another post. This joint is already long as all get out.
The lesson I learned from my 70×7 exercise all whilst watching the slugs miss my shoe (although one did slide up my foot whilst I was in flip flops one time and I freaked *ack* -he lived tho) was that forgiveness is not only vital, it’s a practice of personal liberation. It took me 9 or 10 weeks to get through everybody I needed to forgive in a meaningful way. But once I did, I felt like my heart opened up and light could get in. We harbor so much stuff that we most times don’t know is there. Forgiveness is like cleaning out the poison lurking in your veins. It’s like oxygen to your cells. It renews you and frees you from the fuckery of terminal anger. Meanwhile, watching the slugs taught me to stay my course. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. I’ll get where I’m going cause that’s where I’m going. See? Ffff being a thug. I’m a Bucks County Slug #YO! Forgive EVERYTHING + Slugs Always Get Where They’re Going.
5. Happiness is A Choice
And finally. This is probably the least profound of the 5, but it’s probably THEE most powerful. Happiness is a choice. I mentioned in the beginning of this post that I’m at the tail end of a purge. What this means is, to the outside world, even to my personal sensorium, it would seem that I lost everything. Like, everything. EVERY. THING. Even some of what I thought were dear friends. Like the last little bits of the really big stuff I thought I had. And they fell away once and sometimes twice a week. I got no breaks. As soon as I would finish mourning one thing, something else was gone. If I were to itemize all I’ve “lost” that I viewed as valuable for my work in these last 10 months, you’d faint. I’ve almost fainted quite a few times. But let me tell you what I never lost. My joy. My sense of being cared for. My confidence that nothing truly of value is ever lost. The people in my life who are supposed to be here. My hope for the present and the future. My unwavering belief that the impossible is possible AND that I’m here to light this world on fire. I can count maybe 2 weeks in 10 months when I had a lingering sadness that literally went away the moment I chose self LOVE over feeling victimized by life or my circumstances. If I wanted to nominate myself for the ‘Most Eligible to Sulk About Sh*t Sucking Dastardly’ Award, I can say with some amount of emphasis, I’d be a contender to win that there award. But I didn’t want to win that award. I see possibilities for my life that have about zero to do with all the the stuff I think I lost. If I know in my bones that life is always for me and so nothing can be against me, what am I complaining for if outdated, faulty acting stuff falls away? I can’t have all the great good I actually want if I’m latched on for dear life to what I have that ain’t sh*t. Not to say that I was ungrateful for what I had that wasn’t sh*t, because I was abundantly grateful. And abundantly open for more. And when the word came down that this or that was falling away. I paid my loving respects and said goodbye. Then I got to the business of visioning what I would have instead. What’s my dream? What makes my want to have a dance party in my yard for no reason? It didn’t matter what was happening in my checking account or how many books I sold or what somebody said that has little to do with what I know. All that matters is that I know what I’m here to create for the world and living my life’s work is an exploration of the giddy. I made a choice every time it seemed like something was going wrong. I chose to see the bright side AND I chose to be happy anyway. My happiness is always my choice. Just as yours is yours. Just this one insight can change everything. Changing your mind, literally changes your life. Happiness is A Choice.
Hard to believe I got all of that there above wisdom from one little year of life right? Meanwhile, I did mention that these were only the top 5. Imagine how many pages I would fill if I sat down to write my top 100. It’d make War and Peace’s three scanillion pages look like a pamphlet. I will say that though this year was a bit rough for my particular taste, I wouldn’t change one day of what this year has taught me. I’m far more reflective, peaceful, heart-led and soul-fed. I am the best me I can be in this moment and the greatest news is that with every year I change, grow and expand, I get ever better and ever more wonderful. Cause that’s what we’re here for– to Be Ever Wonderful.
Prayerfully this reflective dissertation helped you some–as in– you gained some spirit food from it. We’ll just assume that it has and we’ll send out an affirmative prayer that everything you are designed to be, you are. Everything you truly want, you have. Everything your heart desires, is fulfilled. Everyplace your soul leads, you go. AND every single one of your needs are always already met. It has always been so and so it is. Thank you for all your birthday wishes and love vibes. If you want to get me an awesome gift for my birthday that will potentially benefit thousands of other awesome folk– CLICK HERE.
Osho Lovianhal (Light the Love in ALL)!