Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things. ~Henry Ward Beecher
I’m having one of the best, worst days of my life. Ever have one of those? It’s a strange dichotomy, no doubt. Have you ever had any number of significant things begin to unravel in your life and then at the same time, other great stuff happening– so you literally have no idea which side of the pedestrian emotional coin you should be on?
I’m a fan of broad emotional palates. Mine is broooooooad. When I say pedestrian emotional coin, I really mean laugh or cry. Smile or sulk. Surrender or protest. Like you do a coin toss with your emotions and there are only two (emotions)–which starts out awkward–and you recognize there has to be a drastic difference in what you would choose to feel. Otherwise, why do a coin toss?
Meanwhile, since I used that metaphor for seeming ease and grace purposes, I might as well go with it. Even though stuff is in mid-change mode in my life, when my coin lands it’s authentically on the laugh, smile, and surrender side. I haven’t been wanting to see even a little of the cry, sulk, or protest side. I’m fairly certain my pedestrian emotional coin is fixed. Plus, I’m seriously okay with this. See. Once I start seeing the sulk side of the coin, my body starts to hunch, which causes my back to get stuck in an uncomfortable place and its harder for me to straighten up for a while, once I’m stuck. Am I being one of those fake “happy” people by saying this? I don’t think so. A teeny tiny part of me wants to give panic it’s way. But something bigger in me is saying chill. It’s already worked out. Watch and learn pimpin’. Watch and learn.
Have you ever had any number of significant things begin to unravel in your life and then at the same time, other great stuff happening– so you literally have no idea which side of the pedestrian emotional coin you should be on?
Now. I’ve been in this position before. I, like many of you, like comfort and stability and feeling like I know what’s about to happen next. I like the idea that I’m in control and so I try to control everything I can get my muggy little hands around. Meanwhile, unlike “before”, I was persistently in a state of panic and anxiousness on the inside, watching my life “crumble” to unrecognizable crumbs on the outside. I might have put on a “strong” front for the world around me, but inside, you could scramble an egg without a fork.
Through my very real time escapades that I’ve detailed as my life of the last 3-4 years, something on my insides has shifted drastically. Panic doesn’t rear her ugly head. I’d like to add “as much”, but honestly, I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt truly anxious or panicked or scared that the unknown was going to be a dastardly, trifle mess. I’ve learned to trust the unseen. I’ve learned to believe the unbelievable. I’ve learned to do my due diligence when its required and get the ffffff out of the way and let it work when I’m done.
Don’t you dare paint me as some sort of stick and move life master, because I’m not. I honestly don’t even know for sure that I’m doing the right thing with how I’m handling change these days. I try to stay as present as possible. I don’t practice blatant avoidance anymore, but I also don’t practice sit and suffer either. I do enough moving that I feel occupied and enough chilling that I can easily move where needed. It’s less of a tap dance than it is a faith walk and we all know faith walks are the hardest to trek in 5 inch stilettos. You know you’re in a solid faith walk, when you have peace on the inside. You can say what you want, but your body never lies.
Ever say you’re confident when your insides were doing the Dougie? Ever try to sit unaffected when your skin is hot and flush? Ever say you can’t stand somebody but your whole entire everything is doing the opposite? Your truth is always hidden in plain sight. You always have access to your truth when you pay attention to what your body is doing. You may not actually be able to say out loud what that truth is, but if you pay attention to your insides, you’ll have all the knowing you need.
You know you’re in a solid faith walk, when you have peace on the inside. You can say what you want, but your body never lies.
I’ve learned this all kinds of hard ways. I’ve tried to dictate what I wanted to be true to myself while my insides were doing that tap dance and all it did was nail down the indoctrination I grew up with that EVERYTHING was safer than me. EVERYONE could be trusted with what’s best for me, but me. You can’t ignore your truth and expect the lies to NOT have some merit. Once I started to listen and truly listen to my body cues and trust my feelings and natural instincts, I knew. I knew when I was TRULY in danger and could move quicker. I knew when my heart was singing authentically and could act on it. I knew when change was coming and prepare. I knew– just like if you pay attention you can smell rain on it’s way–no matter what, even if I don’t have an umbrella (or a long boat) a little wet (or swimming lessons) never hurt anybody. Except the folks who like to deny anything change-esque because it’s not in line with their self lie. But that’s a whole other post for another more cerebral day.
I suppose my point in writing any of this is this. TRUST YOUR GUT. If you’re guts ain’t losing it, you probably shouldn’t either. Then again, in order to know for sure, you’ll have to have some experience with trusting your gut to start. You’ll have to have cleaned away all the distrust of the body you’ve been denying for years and you’ll probably have a regular meditation practice going. Yes, it takes some work. It takes some practice. It takes some desperation because everything else you’ve been doing forever isn’t making your life suck any less. From there it takes a simple commitment that you will trust the process, no matter what it’s showing you. If you really pay attention, even with your seemingly worst life trials, what stands out most is the juicy sweetness of that unsuspected, but amazing outcome. You probably recognized that everything that happened, was everything you needed to get you closer to what you’re divinely here to do.
The truth of the universe is, when faced with change and challenge–surrender anyway. Holding on tighter only plants you firmly in the way.
Things only look like they fall apart. What’s actually happening is making room for more and better. Shoes too tight? You need a bigger shoe to fit. Sweater unraveling? You need a new sweater that suits your true life. Whenever change comes, I don’t look at it like, “oh shit, here comes my life sucking again.” I ask the question: “What am I being prepared for? AND “Something bigger and more awesome is on deck, what things must I do to prepare for what’s next?” When something or someone goes, I don’t panic, I recognize that space needed to be made for that most awesome thing or person that is actually designed to fit.
The truth of the universe is, when faced with change and challenge–surrender anyway. Holding on tighter only plants you firmly in the way. I mean, if blessing blocking is what you’re into…by all means. And yet, I can’t be 200% sure anyone truly, actually intends to look a gift horse in the mouth. Or however that saying goes. But whatever. The point is, in the end, it’s always, always, always about perspective. You honestly and gratefully believe that everything in your life is for you? You’re right. You honestly and victim consciously believe that everything in your life is against you? You know what? You’ll be right about that too. Choose your perspective wisely. What you focus on, you will find. You don’t have to trust me. Take a long, hard look at your life.
TRUST YOUR GUT.
And so, we’ll end this post here. Knowing what I know, after all I’ve been through, I can have THE most bestest, potentially worstest day of my life today. We always salute the old and tried when they make their way to bitch-boo-bye-ville. We honor the experience, knowing that we’ve learned all that we could from it and now it’s time to open our arms and embrace our truth. It can only (and always) get better from here.
The moral of this story? Do you know? Cause I never do. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and abundant “head up pimpin’ it always works out for your greatest good” blessings.
Love,
-e-