My life for whatever reason has become somewhat like a walking ministry. And not at all like the ministries we’ve become accustomed. I don’t have church doors to usher anyone into. I don’t have a whole bunch of dogmatic practices that give “church” it’s tradition or comfort. I don’t sing hymns at whim and my life doesn’t revolve around Sunday mornings, Wednesday night choir practice, the occasional coat drive or reveling at a pulpit. Maybe I don’t understand what a true ministry actually is, but whatever I think it is, just thinking about ME and a “ministry” in the same sentence doesn’t even sound like it goes. My name is Envy. Hullo.
Last night at Darling’s Diner, whilst schlepping down my veggie egg white omelet, the words actually came out of MelRo’s face: “I see you having a ministry.” I’m fairly sure I guffawed.
And yet, my dear friend MelRo was in town this past week and when I tell you a sister spirit ministry happened just about every day, even I couldn’t have my daily argument with God about me and it. Last night at Darling’s Diner, whilst schlepping down my veggie egg white omelet, the words actually came out of MelRo’s face: “I see you having a ministry.” I’m fairly sure I guffawed. I don’t know what it is about me and church and me and ministers, that thinking about me and ministry makes my skin itch. I mean no offense, of course. There are a lot of people in this world who do great work and service for the planet through their *cough* ministry. I suppose the itch comes from the expectations of the words. When I think of the words minister and ministry, I think of church and converting and dictating peoples behaviors by way of narrow perspective, rather than giving people the tools they need to trust their own spirit and their own unique process. Plus, I see people and their need for dastardly titles.
Blah, blah, blah. God and I have conversations about my shenanigans of attempting to uplevel lives through this blog and my varying social media platforms virtually every day. My life just about revolves around this concept of finding spiritual dignity within the course of our every breath. And by spiritual dignity, I don’t mean some form of oppressive, pious ridiculousness some folk seem to equate with religion and thus spirit. What I’m inspired to talk about is a highest selves consciousness. Consciousness in general, actually. It’s nothing I made up myself. It’s been taught for thousands of years and such. But whatever. That’s not even what this post is actually about. I digress.
My sister friend MelRo is going through something fairly major. She’s beginning to know what it means to embody who she’s designed to be. AND all the life experiences that make their way into life lessons, so she can fill up her spiritual tool box. It’s a process. The process isn’t always easy. In fact, the process can be downright draining sometimes. MelRo is such a pure spirit who has been through so much in her life. BUT. What she’s coming to understand in her journey is that only the greatest of us, survive the absolute gutter of life experiences and bloom anyway. Her very life is a testament of her spiritual royalty. She’s a master teacher. She just doesn’t know it yet.
So. For someone like MelRo who has defeated odds at every turn to tell someone like moi, who’s life experience pales in comparison– that I’m a minister of sorts– even though just shy of every dripping that falls from my mouth may land in the realm of ministering, etc. makes my eyes roll some. It’s all based on very clear life experiences I have no actual interest in rehashing here. I have ZERO interest in getting some froufrou ministers degree. I have no interest in leading a church. I have so little interest having people refer to me in the realm of an organized spirited or religional anything at all, an actual bit of throw up actually formed in my mouth just now. The only reason I argue with God about even the possibilities of such a notion is because my life already reflects my path, so to speak. Convention bugs me and once we find our way into a ministers box, no matter how open minded people may be about it–it’s still a box. I’m a Sag. I’d prefer philosophizing on a rock in a desert somewhere. But again, this post is about the threesome MelRo and I had last night. So to speak. How’s that for the coolest minister EVER? Keep reading.
Guy walks by girl and says hi and keeps going. Something moves guy from the end of the block to turn around and come meet girl. Guy instead begins conversation from a random, inauthentic place. Girl tunes guy out and tells guy to get lost. Politely.
So last night, just before MelRo and I were about to leave Darling’s and take it home, my eye caught on a guy who was just coming in the diner. For whatever reason, I stared at him for a good 13 seconds. He was cute, but definitely not my type at first glance. But for whatever reason, a spotlight was on him. I got my gander, noticed he wasn’t noticing me back and went about my life. Fast forward 15 minutes. MelRo and I are sitting outside of Darling’s talking about all the awesome spirit meets life things we talk about when we’re together in any form (phone, text, Twitter, FB, Instagram, in person, etc.) and the same guy walks by us, says hi and keeps walking. Mel mentioned to me that he turned around after he walked away. I think I said “really?”, was genuinely flattered and again went about my life. Two minutes later, here’s this guy standing before us asking us something random about some hip hop show I could care less about.
That should be the end of the story shouldn’t it? Guy walks by girl and says hi and keeps going. Something moves guy from the end of the block to turn around and come meet girl. Guy instead begins conversation from a random, inauthentic place. Girl tunes guy out and tells guy to get lost. Politely. That’s how the story goes usually, right?
That’s where I was. My corny meter was at 11 on a scale that only reaches 6. But MelRo being who she divinely is, wasn’t satisfied. She interrupted him mid sentence and redirected the conversation so intently and yet casually, it was an awesome thing to watch.
Let’s play a game. I’m going to ask you a question and you can only answer with the truth.
She said, “Let’s play a game. I’m going to ask you a question and you can only answer with the truth. Then, you get to ask the both of us questions and we can only answer with the truth. Okay?” The guy responded totally taken aback with,”should I sit down for this?” Of course he should. And so he did. The first question MelRo asked him was: “Did you really come all the way back over here to tell us about some show or did you come back because you were interested in my friend Envy?” I could have fallen out of my chair. It was perfect. The bullshit, representative kill-o-detonator went off and the conversation between the three of us was allowed to be real, authentic and from a place of genuine connection. We actually got to know each other in ways that people usually don’t get to know each other in 20 dates, let alone the first interaction. It was beauty in action. It was spiritually dignified. It was everything that I believe that human beings are supposed to do with each other. No scheming, no gaming. This seemingly regular dude from West Philly was quoting Nietzsche and we talked about all the things every “rule” book says you don’t get to until date 57 or whatever. Three hours later, no drinks in our systems and simply honest interaction keeping us intoxicated, we parted ways having about the most beautifully upleveling, soul spirit connection that I’ve had in let’s say— ever– with a perfect stranger. It was dope. And all we had to do was be honest with our intentions and not allow our not-so-trusty representatives to muck up a good time.
I want to say the beauty in it all was how we all came away from the experience with something. We weren’t sharing to get anything out of the other. We weren’t being energy predators. I sure ain’t desperate and I know MelRo ain’t, so we weren’t clawing over this guy for his affections or attention. We just were. We were ourselves and it was a liberating experience if you grown enough to have one.
Yes. Let’s be clear. This guy was interested in me. I want to give him a code name, but nothing is fitting right now, plus, I don’t know if he’ll make it in another post to become relevant enough for him to have a code name, quite frankly. But whatever. I know of his interest, because he said so. Remember, we were in the no bullshit zone. All bullshit was called out instantly. Here’s the catch though, he not only said so, his every action expressed it. His spirit was relaxed. He wasn’t trying to be impressive. The way he engaged me, wasn’t on some nut ass pimp mess. He wasn’t trying to woo me or court me or prove anything to me. Everything he did, came from a really natural place. I can’t explain it better. All I can say is a sweet neck nuzzle and a slow dance happened at some point. He wasn’t even being aggressive–which I can smell and deflect from a mile back. This was something else. This was a man with nothing to prove, a genuine intrigue to explore and everything to gain.
I want to say the beauty in it all was how we all came away from the experience with something…
I know. Right now you’re like. Naw, Naw, Envy. That was game. He’s a mack. To that I say. Naw, Naw, Y’all. WE must not have been properly introduced. One of the reasons I have been so happily single for so long is because I haven’t been able to connect with the men who cross my path in any authentic way. Either it’s chemistry overload and the male people in question can’t seem to get over how attracted we are to each other and so the only thing they can muster in their brains is which way they can get me to submit to backshots– by way of their ever clever rantings of “you know what I’d do to you gurl?!”, etc. Or it’s intellectual overload where male people are so “smart” and so “nice” that they spend all their time proposing to me in prose how amazing they can’t help but tell me they are–with little action to back it up. Or it’s superficial overload where the male persons in question are so shallow they can’t stop talking about themselves or get past my exterior long enough to care about what’s going on often in my brain. Of course there is intimidation overload, where folk really is just way too afraid to do anything of value at all. My experience has run the gamut and I literally have found this very relaxed place of watch and learn. I believe people SHOW me who they are and so I let them. I’m in no rush. I’ve waited this long. It’s amazing what people will show you about themselves if you give them enough rope and room.
The reason why Darling’s guy was right on point was because he wasn’t particularly charming in the way we deem people charming. He wasn’t a wordsmith spouting prose from his pores, but he had clear ideas about the world beyond his own. When he complimented me, he was noticing me. It wasn’t a gushy, lusty, stalky, presumptuous, “I wish your legs were on my shoulders” kind of vibe. He was paying attention. His compliments had depth to them. He liked my style, so-to-speak. He was just as intrigued by my thoughtful nature as he was about the face and body I walk the world with. He was genuine and real and powerful in his own right.
I can’t reiterate enough how I’m NOT at all well known for letting random people into my realm. MelRo makes fun of me saying I take on this ultra feminine, Queenly watching over my domain posture when around people in general. I may be thoroughly involved in whatever is happening, but very few people feel the go-ahead to sit with me on my “throne”, let alone touch me unless CLEARLY invited by my initiation. It’s funny when I think of it that way, but I see her point. I not only command respect, I only deal with authentic engagements. Most folk ain’t found that. They ain’t allowed in. Meanwhile, Darling’s guy preferred classy action over fruitless words. I already mentioned a very romantic slow dance happened at some point, which was way cool. Considering we weren’t in some club, which would have made it make sense. We were outside of a diner, talking about all kinds of deep stuff, music was playing and so we danced. *swoon*
Every person crosses our path to teach us something about ourselves.
I’ve talked at length on this blog about my being in the LOVE phase of my Eat, Pray, LOVE journey. This essentially means that I’ve been climbing a tall ladder to my best self and living my best life. You know you’re in your LOVE phase when you allow yourself to be in LOVE with every part of you and your life. That means being open to every beautiful joyous experience you attract. Every person crosses our path to teach us something about ourselves. While I am more than ready to find myself with a wing span the width of this planet, embodying a love life that represents everything that I am, I also don’t run around in the silly notion that every guy I meet is THE ONE or could be. That’s not living in the present. That’s projecting a future that hasn’t happened yet. It also puts a lot of pressure on an experience that may just be about showing you more of what you do want, so you know what it looks like when you cross paths with it. Most everything we experience in life is about expanding our current paradigms toward the limitless possibilities that life can be.
What I learned from my Darling’s impromptu escapade with MelRo and Mr. Darling (tentative name), is that connections and cool conversation with like minded spirits can come from everywhere. People may not even know that they’re posted up initially with their representative. Our fake selves are like our armor. Some of the best people know enough to protect themselves from harm. Sometimes we do ourselves a greater service if we help people into our realm of authentic interaction by giving them a second chance to make a first impression, like MelRo did. I learned that I adore a man who embodies who he is, more than one who tells me a lot about it from his narrow view of himself. I like random slow dances in public places. I adore assertive personal space risk taking over aggressive conquering tactics. I find that men who give of their authentic selves freely are sexy to me. Natural connections can be random as hell. I’ve learned in maximus mode that the men who are most attractive to me, pay more attention to what’s between their ears, than what’s between their legs. I learned that I no longer have a “type”. And I really, really like a man who compliments me because he’s paying attention to me, not one who states the “obvious” ad nauseum because of an ulterior motive . I learned that TRUE ministry is about the life we walk in and share with those we cross paths with. Our ministry is who we are. And finally, and this may be most important of all, I learned that the best ministries may involve a spiritually dignified “threesome” from time to time. Take that anyway you need to.
The moral of this story? I have no rightly idea. Just some food for thought. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and abundant “about last night…” blessings. Love -e-