Have you ever attempted to have a supposed heated discussion with someone where you know the exact outcome of the discussion, before you even open your mouth with your very first utterance?
It’s very much like trying to talk to a brick wall isn’t it? Like, you’re standing in front of the wall and you’re talking and you have facts and figures and logic. You’re not even emotional, you’re just stating your version of the truth and you’re hoping with every piece of proof to your point you present, the wall will finally get what you’re saying and you and the wall can finally live in harmony and understanding. Right?
Turns out, all the wall does is remain made of brick–thick through to the other side. It doesn’t answer. And if it did, you probably wouldn’t understand what the fukc the wall was talking about because–well, because a wall is not a person and probably speaks a whole different language we aren’t yet privy to. Except some people. Who we classify as nut-so–like we do to all extremely gifted people who talk to walls, the walls talk back and said gifted people understand the wall’s answers–and answer back in wall language, etc. and what have you. I digress.
So. I had a conversation like that today. You see, the person in question put me in very bad spot a week or so ago. That person didn’t really seem to care about the spot she put me in and I let her know about it. I’ve kindof been pissed the last few days because her putting me in a bad spot wasn’t really what I was mad about–there was a whole heck of a lot of added insult to said injury. *sigh*
I was really mad because I’ve been doing a lot of stuff on her behalf and she’s been taking advantage of me–which isn’t new. I’ve known this woman a loooooooong time. Her visions of things and my visions of things are often like Pluto and a star system 100 million light years away. As long as you agree with her, no matter how nutty she makes things, life is gravy. As soon as you get fed up enough to say something–the brick wall thing happens.
Here’s the cliff notes:
Me: I feel ____ when you do ____ .
Her: ?????????????????
Me: (fact and example about the above)
Her:??????????????????
Me: These are all the ways that I’m feeling really _______. I feel this way because you do ___________.
Her: insult.
Me: How is (insult) even relevant to what we’re talking about?
Her: You always do ______ and I’m not having it anymore!!!!!! I’m not going to _____ because you ______ !!!!! Grow up and get a life!!!! It’s fun!!! Stop trying to make me feel bad about myself so I can be as miserable as you are!!!
Me: Huh??? (this sounds familiar. read on and I’ll explain)
Of course, now it’s all sensitive and what not and I can’t say what really happened and what was really said because that would be too much like creating the aftermath of Hiroshima. Not in the mood this day.
Anger. Most people think it’s an emotion, but for some folk, it’s actually a weapon.
Folks like that hope for anger because anger makes you fuzzy headed and you do dumb stuff that has nothing to do with what you were initially mad about. It’s just fuzzy brained anger. So then, even if you’re right in your points initially, the outcome you create by being angry somehow miraculously proves their point and you’re back to square one.
Interestingly enough, I learned this lesson first from the infamous “BD”. He was awesome at getting me off my square. (oohhh baby was he ever!) I’d get miffed at him for something, would try to talk to him about it and he would come at me with the uber attitude: “what is it this time?” So, of course, I’m already pissed a bit, but now I’m full out angry about what he just said. “What do you mean, this time?” So then, a full blow out ensues because he makes me feel like having an issue makes me some kind of a nag, even though it’s not at all relevant to what I wanted to talk about. So cleverly, my issue gets overshadowed by nonsense, we argue, make up and my issue never gets discussed or resolved. Normally, his end of said blow up involved some version of “grow up and get a life and stop trying to make me feel bad about myself so I can be miserable like you.” OM(f)G. Clearly, these two people are related from a past life bc they hate each other, taking the same drug AND have never been formally introduced to me. (or…maybe it’s me who’s in denial omg!!!)
I didn’t get it at the time that it’s just a game some people play to get out of taking responsibility for their own actions. If people know your hot buttons, they can easily keep from hearing for eons why they irk the shit out you, because you’re so distracted by the petty shit. It’s actually manipulation brilliance.
After 6 years of it with him–and finally getting past it– I think I get it now. Part of it is insecurity. There are some folk among us who just need to believe they are awesome even during times that they’re less than so. Most of us have a general understanding that we’re awesome and need some work. We actively work on a day to day basis to better ourselves–even if its painful and hard as hell to do.
These folks aren’t quite that way. They’re very sensitive and their ego acts like a force field. Taking ownership of stuff is complicated for them. Get too close for comfort to working on themselves–zap! If they were to face the qualities about themselves that are not so awesome:
1. they would feel even more terrible than they already do about stuff they know they need to fix but haven’t.
2. they would actually have to contemplate the idea of change.
and 3. They would have to accept the fact that they are flawed.
All things, this particular type of person has no immediate interest in doing.
Change is hard. It’s easier if everyone else around them is crazy or mean or disrespectful or treating them poorly. My family therapist friend, Dr. Argie Allen told me once that it’s an over-inflated ego protection mechanism at play. When folk ain’t doing right and THEY KNOW they ain’t doing right, the last thing they want to do is be told the truth (or be held accountable)–mostly because they already know the truth and they are in huge denial about it. She also told me that most of the things they accuse you of, is what they are doing to you, but they NEED to see it in reverse for ego reasons. Which is why most times whatever they’re accusing you of has no actual occurances (examples, facts, etc.) attached to them. Or…they use outdated or skewed facts and overinflate them. (This is easily refuted by reminding them of what actually happened with whatever they bring up.)
I learned how to deal with the BD from reading The Celestine Prophecy (series). Folk with this particular personality trait– (I believe it’s a Intimidator/Poor Me Combo pack)–James Redfield calls them Control Dramas– can’t be refuted with emotion. You have to feed them facts. Give examples. They won’t accept them, of course, but the only thing they’re left with as weapons is insults that won’t make a dent because they’re talking about themselves and blasting it at you. (It’s less complicated than it sounds, I promise)
Here’s the trick:
PEOPLE ONLY SEE AND HEAR WHAT THEY WANT TO. Period.
She tooks her jabs (as he once did). I made my points, gave facts, used logic. I said my peace. And all I got for my trouble was this lousy virtual t-shirt that reads the following:
“Grow up and get a life!!!! It’s fun!!! and Stop trying to make me feel bad about myself so I can be as miserable as you are!!!” Sucks.
So, the conversation today was actually quite pointless. Wasted day space. I tried my hardest, but until this person is willing to look herself in the mirror and see what’s there–if only long enough to make herself make actual sense in real time–I can talk, text, write, sing, and dance a complete one woman show about it and it will be like performing for an audience of a brick wall. Just like it was with the BD.
The good news is, and maybe even the lesson in all of this is that my being “right” in this situation is relative. In the scheme of things, it’s really not that important. So what if I’m right. She ain’t doing anything different, so what is being right doing for me? Nada. But being miffed ain’t helping either. So. I can continue to harbor ill sentiment or I can forgive her for my own sake and move on–just like I always do (did)–because I’m convinced that she honestly doesn’t get it (just like he didn’t). There’s not a whole lot I can do to change her mind about who she actually is and how she behaves. Facts and logic, I’ve learned, are irrelevant to the defense mechanism of the human ego. The ego, until tamed by its owner will always be right. And some people will always be blocked from evolving into the best people they can be, until they’re strong enough in character to reign their ego in.
The moral of this story? I dunno. Just some food for thought. Plus, maybe a bit of a vent. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and Abundant “ego free” blessings. Love, -e-
You can learn more about the Celestine Prophecy and The Control Dramas by clicking here. Kay? Great. Enjoy…