I want more than anything to be able to tell you what I’m up to. It’s just…it’s just that it’s not time yet. As with everything else important in our lives–all will be revealed in due time.
I’ve told you in previous posts that I’ve been cleansing my life a bit. Outdated, draining, waaaaay too high maintenance, drama filled, toxic, negative, haterish or otherwise NOT compatible with the life direction I’m traveling “friends”–buh-bye. You can’t fly with several peoples worth of dead weight hanging on your ankles. You simply can’t. I have no inclination to try.
The same goes with male people I was feeling but turned out not to be what I see for life partner status. It’s true. I’ve dated a bit semi-publicly via this blog and certain aliases and the reason I haven’t been posting any updates about folk is because there truly wasn’t all that much to tell–or worth dedicating an entire post to, I suppose, until now.
The one guy I was considering was a smidge older than me and sort of a public figure in his own right–well– far more a public figure than I am anyway. I liked him enough, but there was just something about him that never sat right with me. You ever meet somebody that you like at face value, but as you get to know them you figure out why they’re single at 40+ –with a laundry list of high profile type almost fiances? Yeah, he was like that. Not that there was anything wrong-wrong with him (at least, not anything I can prove in a court of law). He looked good on paper, I suppose. He was definitely a “my personal network” builder if ever there was one. It’s just that–I’m unwilling to sell my soul for access to his friends by association. Plus, his manipulative-controlling tendencies that surfaced like a Turrets Syndrome tick was just way too much. I’m all for quirky, but suppressed serial killer, I can’t do.
The youngin violated my trust, unfortunately. Admittedly, I had such high hopes for him. But alas, I have a very personal quirk about selfishness. I’m a “giver”, so “takers” like me. HOWEVER, all taker all the time, with no inner compass of boundaries is a deal breaking character flaw in my book. Plus, I was upfront, open and honest. He wasn’t–which turns out was the exact opposite of what I thought was the nature of our relationship. I get it. Everybody doesn’t have the trusting spirit I have. Right or wrong, that’s really not my problem. If you’re stuck in the mud of you’re own whatever and refuse to see who I am versus what you may be used to (tricky) and you decide being tricky is more convenient than being upfront–how bouts we all just keep it moving then, shall we?
There have been a few honorable mentions here and there that didn’t make this blog for varying reasons. For one, I’m actually a lot more private than may be assumed at face value. And for two, it didn’t take long for me to figure out that “The One” just wasn’t one of them. The reasons vary and it’s not because I have this psycho fairytale thing still blooming in my head. It’s simply that, when I give my time, energy, love and expose my daughter to a potential, I’d like said time, energy, love and Aubrei to be in one accord with that person and how we feel about each other.
When you really think about it, how I feel about a person is kindof irrelevant if I know in my spirit that Aubrei and me with him won’t make a harmonious familial unit. I’m not just looking for a companion. The man who’s for me is a family man at his core. He’s not a place holder for Aubrei’s sometimes erratic biological. He’s not just some gorgeous, brilliant person that lights my bedroom on fire. He’s somebody to build a life with. The hugest part of my life is raising my gorgeous, brilliant daughter into the woman she was designed to be. Any man who doesn’t understand the divine nature of a man, doesn’t know what that plays out like instinctively, nor what being a father FIGURE in a young girl’s (and/or boy’s) life means–ain’t it.
By now, you either think I’m idealistic or crazy. What utopian fool is you really, Envy?! I’m not utopian or a fool–to my current understanding. I’m a woman who has allowed my many boyfriend mistakes to imprint my life in a positive enough way that I trust my insight and my instincts so I make much better boyfriend choices. Just like God made me a particular way to believe what I believe, clearly God made somebody who will divinely compliment all of these attributes I hold high and dear. I honestly don’t need nor want a perfect man. Although, the man I both need and want is perfect for me. I’ll wait.
I wish I had a dime for every time I’ve met a guy and had a vibe that didn’t sit right with me and ignored it. Chalked it up to being too picky or not giving folks a chance. Meanwhile, by the time WE finished wasting everybody’s time, it turns out my instincts were correct all along and now my or their feelings are hurt. Case in point, I have this ex (a brilliantly talented brotha btw) from eons ago who still calls me about how he knows he fff’d up and how he dreams about me and he’s still in love and wants me back (save your awwwwws and keep reading). I’ve explained to him ad nauseum that he didn’t ffff anything up, we just aren’t meant. So then he’s argumentative–“we are!” (he’s yelling). I ask, “why do you feel that way? We don’t do anything but argue when we speak. Our interaction is so the opposite of peace–(He’s yelling AND talking over me now) “–that’s because we aren’t together as we should be. I NEED to MAKE you see we should be together…blah, blah, and blah.” See. That’s all me. I involved myself with somebody I got a vibe from and ignored it. After THREE MONTHS with him, I was like, hold up–this ain’t it. Almost TEN YEARS later, here we are.
If you recall, I did the same thing with Aubrei’s dad for more years than I care to recount and it took about as long to heal from it.
So can you see now why I trust my gut with people? Ignoring my instincts has equated to roughly 98.999% of the drama in my life. Seriously. Would I change a single thing about my choices? With the exception of a few folk–no. I got some great life experience from them crazies. All of my choices has built my character and in the long run made my life much sweeter. If everything hadn’t been exactly as it was, I wouldn’t be exactly as I am.
Meanwhile and unfortunately, A LOT of my female compadres have tried on angry and bitter for size when THEIR choices turn their lives upside down a bit. I tried on those shoes once and they didn’t fit my sensibilities. Luckily, I found some kicks that allowed me to let the anger, pain, confusion and drama go. I discovered with some amount of effort that we live to live and to love. We make mistakes to learn from and to evolve into better people.
So what do you do when you’re a single mother in your 30’s who still actually believes that love is not a forced interaction between people– that accounts more for convenience (ain’t nobody else knocking down my door right now)– than it does for two people who vibe, grow and work together in a divine right way? What do you do when you believe that love and loving is a journey that plants seeds of greatness along the way of all lives involved. And that instead of putting your foot in every pond that looks good for your long since tired gams, you keep on your journey for the exact right pond. A pond that holds you dear and up. A pond that “gets” your unique sensibilities and adores them. A pond that doesn’t try to hold you back from where you’re designed to go–instead–it compliments everything you’re designed to do and is even a part of how you ultimately get there?
What do you do when you truly believe what 90% of the population around you can’t fathom. That life is always for you and never against you. That people come into your life for reasons, seasons or lifetimes and when their time is up, you love yourself and them enough to let them go–which may include learning how to forgive them and you, for YOUR own sake. What do you do then, my friends?
You keep your pace. Ignore your doubt. Tune out the hate… slow and steady wins the race.
It took me 30 some years to finally learn this very complicated life lesson. You can’t fly with several peoples worth of dead weight hanging on your ankles. You simply can’t. I have no inclination to try.
All my beautiful, talented capable sistas out there of every color, creed, race and thought wave–let it go. He is not with you now because he is not designed to be. Forgive him, forgive yourself and let LIFE have it’s way with you. You have so much left to do and you can’t do it when you let hate, anger and bitterness siphon away your true gusto.
Medger Evers once said,
“When you hate, the only one that
suffers is you because most of
the people you hate don’t know
it and the rest don’t care.”
Medgar was referring to racists mostly, but hate, anger and bitterness holds no prejudice in our thinking. We women hold up the world. Our daughters take up our slack when it’s their time to. When we fall short of our truest nature because we misunderstand the purpose of our pain–to learn and grow from–we teach our daughters to do the same. And they teach their daughters. And they teach their daughters. Before we know it, our pain looks like the world we live in today. Cold, bitter, angry, drama-full and brimming with girls who hate themselves and the men who helped make them.
The opportunity here is that it’s never how you start a race that’s important. It’s how you finish that matters most. Yeeeeees! Your feet may be tired and your tears could fill a pond all its own. But you can keep going because you were designed to. You can let all your hurt and anger go because it was never meant for you to hold. You can be in the love designed for you because the universe wouldn’t have it any other way. Life is for you. Love is for you. Peace is for you. Joy, bliss and happiness is for you! You were meant to fly. Believe, where you’re designed to go– you will get to. As long as you keep your pace.
The moral of this story? No idea. Just some food for thought. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and abundant “the tortoise wins the race” blessings. Love, -e-