It’s a been a while since we’ve had this conversation, I’m almost superstitious to even bring it up. But, alas. This is my life. If it’s prominent in my life, most likely, I share.
Okay, so. Aubrei’s dad and I have transitioned to the part of our relationship when we speak fairly regularly on the phone–friendly like. I know, *gasp*. We have long since gotten over the part of our interaction where we hang up abruptly when our parenting business is done. We don’t hang out buddy buddy or anything, but we have both been present at the same time at Aubrei school functions, and we chat more often about our lives with each other, rather than just Aubrei. He no longer seems to frustrate the shit out of me, which is why he hasn’t starred in any of these posts in ages. It even seems as though we may have a budding (dun dun dun) grown up co-parental friendship on our hands. I’m utterly awed and amazed. When my friend, Dr. Argie Allen told me at least 3 years ago that this day was possible, I literally laughed a hearty laugh. I suppose, the joke is now, as they say, on me. I guess people can and do actually change every day. In reflection, I believe people can and do change when given a solid chance to in their own time and in their own way. How about that for prophetic. You think George Bush has a shot? Never mind. “Morans” don’t count.
Now ya’all know, this has been no easy road. You and I have chatted at length about how things went from Aubrei’s birth until this very day, and most of those chats were not at all pleasant or heartening. Aubrei will be 4 this January and to finally be able to say that she has a dad worthy of her, is a conversation, admittedly, I wasn’t sure I would ever have on this here blog. But I do declare, that day just may be here.
One of the things I have always tried to do, while blogging nasty things about my almost betrothed is to keep his and my relationship separate from his relationship with Aubrei. I decided when things first went sour between he and I, that the most important thing was that Aubrei have some kind of relationship with her dad, even if I didn’t approve of him personally. As a lot of my single parental diva’s know, this is not always an easy feat to master. Male people can be down right stinky when they want to be and our first reaction can be to be stinkier right back. A lot of times, we single parental diva’s punish stinky men by withholding our child from him. I never subscribed to that thinking and now I have proof that my line of thinking actually has merit.
I get it, there is a reason why woman, scorned, and wrath are in a well known statement of fact. Cross me nukka and hell will seem like a comfortable option as opposed to facing my fury. Okay?! I get it. We all do. BUUUUUUT. When children come in to play, we single parental diva’s expecially have to put our kids before our wrath. If the guy has an inkling of potential, keeping his kid from him won’t make him a better dad in the slightest, he’ll only be the same or worse. The thing to here parenting thing, I’m learning now is practice. Yessirree. Practice does actually make permanent.
I say this because we, as a community, have to be mindful that far too many of our male people who have made babies have no rightly idea what a good father looks like in their own lives. How in the hell would they know how to be a good father to their children? They wouldn’t. People learn from example. They do as they’ve been done. I’m not a perfect mother in the slightest, but you know what? I got a chance to grow by watching my mother at her best with Aubrei and I was able to become a better mother by watching my mother’s example, especially over the last few years. Why don’t we give fathers the same leeway for growth? Why do we automatically throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak?
We all get it that no manual comes with being a parent. Raising a child is complete trial and error. There are some things that may be innate to us. In my case, my gift to my daughter is my love for education, books, reading and critical thinking. I also have a natural “keep it real” vibe. I tell her the real answers to her questions in a way that she can understand. I believe in magic, but also believe that a solid foundation of well-roundedness is paramount to actual dream living. I believe in building our children up to their success and speaking always of possibility. I don’t believe in limits, so I don’t speak of them. Everything is possible to me and so therefore everything is possible to Aubrei. I’m not really all that great with keeping a schedule. I’m a go with the flow kind of chic. My mom is militant about schedules. Kids need a framework to work from. So over the last few years, I’ve evolved leaps and bounds to keeping Aubrei on a schedule, while still maintaining those things that make me uniquely suited to be Aubrei’s mom. You see? I didn’t get shunned as a bad mom because I was a shitty schedule keeper. I learned what I needed to keep Aubrei healthy as a little person and I was able to become a better mommy in the process.
The really shitty things that happen with dads, particularly when a dad and mom relationship doesn’t work out, is that a lot of we women decide that a man is no good and if he doesn’t get some key things right away, we act like he won’t never learn to do it better. In Mason’s case, to me, he wasn’t exactly reliable. I couldn’t count on him to be consistent with me or with Aubrei. He didn’t exactly have a pillar biological father, so I assumed he would follow suit. So from there, I decided he never would be any better than his own dad had been and instead of challenging him to do more, so he could get better at it, I gave him less to do so I wouldn’t be disappointed. Do you see where this is going?
Just like with anything we may suck at to start, like Diddy with rapping–oh wait, that’s not really a good example. Okay, a better example, albeit a cheesy one–riding a bike. When we first started to ride, we had training wheels. Some of us couldn’t even pedal unless we were pushed. And then, once we got our leg strength up, we didn’t need to be pushed, we could pedal all on our own. Then came the time to take off the training wheels. We couldn’t balance at first, we fell off a million times, but with practice and some instruction, we were feeling the breeze against our faces on two wheels instead of 4. Before long we couldn’t even remember what it was like to ride with training wheels. Riding on two wheels eventually became a part of out being. Parenting me tinks, is like that.
Just like anything else, parenting is a skill. Some of us are fairly natural at it, with room to grow. Some of us naturally suck at it, with room to grow. Sucky mother’s get plenty of chances to get better (with obvious exceptions). Sucky fathers, however, rarely get a fair shake at getting better and so comes the point of this here post.
By sheer will of time and natural evolution, by giving Aubrei’s dad the opportunity to get better at being reliable and involved in Aubrei’s upbringing–Ureeka! He became reliable and involved in Aubrei’s upbringing. I can actually talk to him about things that are important to Aubrei’s health and growth. He learned, from watching me, as I learned from watching my mom, what he needed to do as his part of Aubrei’s growth process. He found his lane and he’s excelling at it. The best part is, he’s seen his own growth by watching Aubrei’s growth and that’s what it’s all about. He figured out, as every parent starts to get eventually, the sooner we find our lane in our kid’s life, the better parent we become and ultimately the better child we raise. Holla! Halelujah! Uh huh. and yes.
I must at this time in Mason and my co-parenting arrangement, retire the use of his cute and compelling nick-name–“The BD”. I mean, first of all, he asked me to. But besides that, I believe he has earned the privelege to not have that exact title. He has on his own accord, evolved past his early ways to his current status and honey, he seems to be relishing in it. I’m…*gasp* *sniffle* proud of him. From this point forth, via official Queen Envy decree, Aubrei’s dad will no longer be known on this blog as “The BD”. I have no idea what his new blog name shall be, but I’m sure it will come to me.
The moral of this story? I can’t call it. Just some food for thought. Thank you for reading this though. I salute the divinity in you. Would you be a dear please and subscribe to my blog? You will? Oh thanks! I bid you peace and divine ‘give the man a chance!’ blessings!!! -e-