Let’s begin this conversation by saying Happy NEW Year! Wow. We’re in a whole NEW year! Like, last year is a wrap. How did this happen? Oh, right. It happens every year around this time. Fine… Yes. It’s been some time since we’ve chatted via this forum. I’ve been… working on some things. Marinating. Getting my mentals pristine for the changing of the proverbial Aquarian guard.
These last several weeks have been an adventure in every way that means. I’ve celebrated a born day. I’ve rung in a new year. I made loads of appearances. I’ve made new friends. I cleansed. I’ve laughed until my belly ached. I’ve celebrated 5 months on my new radio talk show. My station (and consequently my show by default) won a Philly Hip Hop Award. I made a few more appearances on Good Day Philly talking essentially how we reframe the conversations we have with ourselves. I’ve been exploring my world. Studying. Celebrating the tail end of a very full, very #Awesome, persistently evolving 2012 and planning/preparing myself for the very NEXT level of #Awesome I have in mind for 2013. I also caught a “cootie” that I’ve spent weeks denying. Meanwhile, I’ve gotten plenty of the rest I’ve been needing so dastardly and I think we’re in the cootie clear, presently.
All in all, I think in my own way, I wanted you to miss me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or so I’m told. Needless to say, I can’t even begin to count all of the amazing blessings that have found their way to my life during the life bracket we’ll call “The year that was 2012”. I mean. Wow. And every single day keeps getting better. Every single day I keep feeling fuller. Every single day I find more ways to see the wonders that walking in purpose and on path can do for a humble life like mine. The bigness that takes over, stops being about your super big life. It becomes the bigness that all of our lives are designed to become. That, in a nutshell, is what I tucked in my pocket for my arrival into 2013. It’s more than the concept that “we’re all in this together”. It’s more about, “we’re only as strong as our weakest link”– WE’ve got work to do.
The bigness that takes over, stops being about your super big life. It becomes the bigness that all of our lives are designed to become.
A lot of the work I’ve been up to has been about my insides. I’m finally WALKING IN the understanding that being aligned inside, changes the entire dynamic of what happens on the outside. As within, so without. Right? As above (your thoughts), so below (your life). Curiously though, I wasn’t prepared for the depth of my evolutionary process. When we think of our lives, we’ve been conditioned to believe our individuality is somehow linked to detachment from those we share the planet with. When we think of our inner work, we think it’s all about us. We think instinctively that getting our lives on track or whatever is about just “our” lives. Meanwhile, I’ve discovered something else to be true.
Ever hear of “Spontaneous Joy”? I hadn’t. But like most things I wasn’t looking for on purpose, the idea came to me last week as a well of tears found my face for like the 100th time of the day. Oh no loves, I haven’t been sad in the slightest. In fact, I’ve been bowled over and filled to the brim with a joy I can’t right explain. Like there was a knot in my chest that can’t be described as passion, per say. It felt like pure energy. This energy knot started when I was watching/listening to Dr. B’s talk on last Sunday (1-6-13; 9am). I don’t remember all of it, but the gist is that freedom comes from the belief that all of our needs are already met. That we already are everything we want to be. Our lives are about unfolding. We don’t live our lives to “get” anything. We already have everything. It’s a matter of recognizing that we already have it, then accepting our inherent truth in a way that allows us to get out of the way to accept and receive. The easiest, hardest thing for we control freak goops of people stuff to do. I’m just saying. I also remember how I felt as DR. B said his closing prayer. Awesome. Free. At peace. I meditated for a long while afterward. I read some. Then I spent the rest of the day chilling with Aubrei.
So then it was time for bed. At least, I wanted it to be. I put Aubrei to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. Eventually, I got up and made some tea. I drank it. Some time after that, I read some more. Finally, as my eyes were literally about to fall out of my face, I decided to take my hind parts to my mattress for the great snore. Ahhhhh, I thought. Sleep cometh. But… sleep didn’t cometh. When I lay down, eyes closed, someone random came to mind. I don’t remember what I thought about, but compulsively, instinctively I lifted that person up in prayer. Seriously. It was the single most random thing to happen in my life (besides everything that happens daily on The Envy McKee Show). I don’t even remember who the person was. I just know it was somebody I wouldn’t normally think about–let alone pray for. I didn’t even give the whole thing much thought. AND it wasn’t some lazy “God bless Johnny” prayer either. My prayer was an elaborate and scientific offering where I uplifted “Johhny’s” health, well-being, wealth, prosperity, financial abundance and etc. I prayed that his life was on purpose and that he lived in the glory of his divine right life’s path. I uplifted his family and mental space. I prayed that his thoughts were always of right action and the like. I saw “Johnny” in my mind’s eye. I saw the glow of his golden spirit peeking through his skin and saw him as his highest self. In fact, in my prayer, I specifically spoke to his highest self.
We don’t live our lives to “get” anything. We already have everything. It’s a matter of recognizing that we already have it, then accepting our inherent truth in a way that allows us to get out of the way to accept and receive.
Now. I said this awesome prayer for someone who hadn’t crossed my mind in the slightest for like, ever. I didn’t question it. It was done. I’m not sure if I thought it was weird at the time. It just was what it was. So. I again attempted to find my way to unconsciousness. Then, another random person popped in my mind. Instinctively, compulsively, I sent up a prayer, just as elaborate and scientific as the prayer prior. When I finished that prayer, another person came to mind and I did the same thing. When I finished that one, another person came to mind and I repeated the above. By the time it was all said and done, I must have prayed for several dozen thousand million people non-stop. Every person who came to mind, I lifted them up. People I knew and didn’t know. People I wanted to know. People who threw me shade at some point in my existence. If they came to mind, I lifted them up. It was like I put up a sign in my head that said “The Chic That Be Prayin’ for Folk is IN”. And one by one, as I finished praying and uplifting family, friends and perfect strangers for any amount of reasons, more souls seemed to line up in my head to get a prayer too. When it was like 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning, I forcibly shut my prayer sieve down. Even though my eyes never opened that whole time, I still wasn’t sleep. By the time it was time to get Aubrei up for school, I was still trying to find my way to unconsciousness. To no avail. In all of my years I can’t recall ever experiencing anything quite like it. I wasn’t tired. I wasn’t sad. I didn’t want anything but to give something I had away. I had zero reason to be doing such things when I wanted sleep to happen more than anything in the world. But I couldn’t help myself. I really, really couldn’t. I was in a space where I literally wanted for everyone what I want for myself and my compulsion was to lift them up and infuse them with love. Where they do that at?!
Here’s the clincher. I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything I can think of. I was in love while it happened. I mean, deeply in love with everyone who came to mind and the millions more I probably shut down, when I took the “That Chic that Be Prayin’ for Folk is IN” sign down from my consciousness. The best way to explain it is that this knot in my chest grew, the more of my love I gave. The more I prayed, the more it filled. The more it filled, the more I felt this sense of elation.
Tears happened at several points during this process and I wondered what they were. Was I sad? Was I apprehensive about something? Did my tears know something I didn’t?!!! I’m a fire sign. I burn quicker than I cry, but that night I was a water elemental. I was curious. “What is this?” I asked out loud at some point. As clear as day, the words “Spontaneous Joy” came to mind. I’m pretty sure I wanted to click my teeth. Me? Spontaneous… Joy?! I mean, I’m a light bright by nature, but I’m cool about it. I like ease and grace. I do spontaneity often, and yet my spontaneity oft times involves high kicks in way too high heels, Cleopatra ninja poses and/or a well placed $100,000 word around $10 word folk. You know, smart ass stuff. My joy tends to be a slow burn. I know it’s there. I laugh all the time. I have a great ole time living my life. Joy doesn’t sneak up on me. I’m not the chick to fall out in church, nor am I known to speak in tongues or cut up unless its specifically and on purpose to make a point. I’m a control freak in that way, I guess. Meanwhile.
The best way to explain it is that this knot in my chest grew, the more of my love I gave. The more I prayed, the more it filled. The more it filled, the more I felt this sense of elation.
Those no reason tears fell and I couldn’t find sadness or melancholy as hard as I looked for it. I felt blessed. I felt full. I felt taken care of in every way that means. I felt so full I started praying for folk.
Of course, I was compelled to look up spontaneous joy. Ironically, the closest thing I found to a relevant definition was somehow included in the online Urban Dictionary. It reads as follows:
“Bliss Bubble: Uncontrollable, nonstop laughter increasing in intensity until you realize you are experiencing a serious abdominal work out. Triggered by bliss, usually stimulated by meditation or spontaneous happiness. Often accompanied by tears and falling to the ground. Warning: friends can often set off simultaneous laughter barrages by doing silly things in front of you.”
Obviously what I experienced had only a glimmer to do with the Urban Dictionary definition. I could find no other relatable definitions online, so I chalked it up to “no mas”. The next day, my dear friend Shelton called me up all random like. Considering he’s a former minister, I had to ask him what this was. I asked him point blank if there is any written record of anyone in history needing to give up sleep to pray randomly for people because they felt some sort of intense joy earlier in the day. I really wanted to know if I was going crazy, but I certainly didn’t phrase it that way. Strategically, of course.
Shelton’s boiled down answer was “spiritual maturity”. Humph. I missed a perfectly good night’s sleep because I’ve matured spiritually?! Understand that in my line of work + mommy-hood makes sleep a premium. I wanted there to be a more elaborate answer. I wanted to know how spontaneous this spontaneous joy was going to be. I wanted to know how it would fit into my already full schedule. I wanted answers! Am I going crazy?! I’m doing the slow head shake now whilst I suck my teeth, FYI.
I’m almost positive that what exacerbated that whole experience is that I’ve been reading “Miracle Power for Infinite Riches” by Dr. Joseph Murphy (it’s this month’s Envy’s Book Club offering). The book talks a lot about being clear in understanding that what you give to others, you’re also giving to self. Begrudge no one. Uplift people in every way. We want for others what we want for ourselves. Etc. and what have you. Murphy cleanly states that what you give to others, you’re giving to yourself. I had no idea “I” would take this notion so literally. Plus, I still haven’t the foggiest what Spontaneous Joy actually means. I just know how I felt. I just know the next day I wasn’t even really tired. I just know my life probably won’t be the same again.
I spent the next few nights retracing my evening ritual steps trying to make sense of if I maybe had some chocolate or drank the wrong kind of Green Tea that may have kept me up that night. I was trying to find logic in something that wasn’t temporally logical. I was still trying to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. It turns out, this was just one of those things that happened. It was a beautiful experience in BEing who I say I am. It was an involuntary call and answer. I was walking my walk. Just like in my real life, I don’t push my ideas or beliefs on those around me, when people come to me for insight, I share what I know. In this case, people found their way to me for prayer. In my head. And I shared the gift of prayer with them. I wanted for them wholly, what I want for myself. And instead of being selfish about it, I gave it all up without worry or fear or any of the yucky stuff we do when someone knocks on our proverbial door late at night.
I still haven’t the foggiest what Spontaneous Joy actually means. I just know how I felt… I just know my life probably won’t be the same again.
After having some time to think about this, I believe what I was being called to understand is this idea of letting every aspect of our lives be a gift. WE are not in competition with one another. WE are all in this together. WE need each other to be our greatest, highest selves as much as possible. Even when we sleep. The more WE share of ourselves, even with perfect strangers, the better WE become as a whole. WE are ripples in this great wave and WE are only as strong as our weakest link. WE are not designed to live in war, WE are designed to live in LOVE. Love isn’t an emotion, it’s a state of mind.
I’ve been experiencing pockets of this Spontaneous Joy in all different areas of my life. I’ve been right giddy for days. While, I haven’t been compelled to stay up and pray for folk lately, there are glimmers of that LOVE I felt that night in everything I do. It’s almost like that knot in my chest has dissolved and begun to seep into my cells. It’s in my pores. It radiates through my skin. It’s in my thoughts. I laugh harder. I sing and dance more often. I cry when I see a stranger hurt. I say I LOVE YOU to just about everyone who crosses my path (awkward for them, not for me. HeeHee). My life is more of an adventure than ever. Most importantly, I honestly and whole-heartedly want for everyone what I want for myself. Even if it’s just a restful nights sleep. And so it is.
The moral of this story? I can’t call it. Just some food for thought. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and abundant “spread your love spontaneously” blessings. Love, -e-