I typically don’t write a blog right after a show, but tonight, I kinda gots to. I’ve been bombarded with images on the news and via friends who have experienced domestic abuse and I just feel compelled to pass on a little of what I know now after talking with Dr. Argie Allen and Michael Shawn about this growing problem.
My good people, physical abuse is every single where we can stand to look. It’s in the supermarket. It’s in the car next to us. It’s happening in friends lives and a lot of times, in our own. Argie said it plain. Most abusers do not even know that they are abusers. Some grew up around it and think harsh talk, abusive language and physical violence is typical relationship happenings. News Flash: It’s Not. It’s abuse. The thing is, abuse doesn’t just effect and affect the abused, it affects all of us in some way shape or form. It affects the children growing up in those households. It affects, employments rates, the educational systems. It affects the foster care system, hospitals and emergency care and the jail systems. It affects all of us in some way and it is completely preventable.
You might be saying, how can you prevent some crazy fool from putting their hands on you, if that’s what they choose to do? Look, I’m not judging any body’s situation. Nor am I being insensitive to a particular circumstance. Sometimes the best medicine is the kind that doesn’t go down easy. I am by no means blaming victims. This post is more about prevention than it is about happenings, because once you’re in an abusive relationship–getting out becomes tricky and sometimes life threatening. I am more than aware.
I must, however say this in context to what I now know. ABUSE IS PREVENTABLE. Abusive relationships happen over time. It happens with crossed boundaries–sometimes subtle. We as women are prone to let things go, to keep our man and sometimes those once subtle things end up very violently. Argie said it best: “No one can treat you better or worse than you treat yourself”. PERIOD.
Abuse grows and festers in people who are lacking sense of self and a sense of connection to the universal good. Some call that God,some find that in religious practice or meditation. Wherever you find yours, the biggest picture here is loving YOURSELF. No man, woman, plant, animal or mineral can love you better than you and if you aren’t loving yourself, by yourself, you cannot possible attract to you someone who loves you in equal fashion.
I said on today’s show that I’ve casually been out with folk who gave me a “bad vibe” I couldn’t place. It was just something intuitive in me that was distracting. It was the way I felt after I talked to them or how they made me feel in general. Maybe it was a control thing they did that was so subtle and benign it was almost nothing. The thing was, I felt it, it was there and I don’t need an explanation for why I felt it. It just won’t right and I distanced myself. I don’t need proof that some seemingly nice guy will one day beat the shit out of me. That’s how we get got. I’ve come to understand that WE are OUR own best preventative medicine for abuse. Please, my sisters and brothers out there–listen to yourself and believe your instincts. Love yourself enough listen to what you “know” before you know. That is how you prevent abuse. Before it even has a chance to start.
If you are now in an suspect relationship, my prayers are with you and I pray that you use the resources at the bottom of this post to create a plan to pack. Pray and pack. At the first push. At the first hit. At the first verbal violence. Don’t worry about getting them help, get YOU help and run.
If you are now in an escalated violent relationship, and you feel your life is in danger or could one day be, please tell somebody and please take the same steps as above. You are needed. Your kids need you. Your community needs you. Your friends and supportive family need you. He’s making you choose between you and him, honey, choose YOU!!!! Please pass this along to anyone you know who may need it. And to those who may not know they do. I salute the divinity in you. Be blessed. -e-
The Following is an excerpt from The National Domestic Violence Hot line Website:
Am I Being Abused?
How is your relationship?
Does your partner:
Embarrass you with put-downs?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
Make all of the decisions?
Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
Force you to try and drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?
Get Help Today!
NDVH is a nonprofit organization that provides crisis intervention, information and referral to victims of domestic violence, perpetrators, friends and families.
SAFETY ALERT!
Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
http://www.ndvh.org/
(this is good information to know)
http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf