I know, I know. It’s been several weeks since I last created a post. So much going on and I will post “The Solution Is You: Meditation” piece I wrote eons ago for you here. After this one. I promise. I will. Seriously.
For right now, I have so much going on in my mind and I need an outlet for it. My blog, for all intents and purposes is as good as any, don’t you think?
I’ve been seeing someone. I’ve been keeping it quiet because of the circumstances. I’ve messed up some really good potential relationships being all flip in the mouth about them and this one is really special.
So special, the possibilities are just about all consuming. I have so much to do and I was hoping to not have to deal with this scenario– as much as I bitched on here about being single–I was actually hoping that the love bug wouldn’t bite me until I had my life good and in line. Admittedly, this really isn’t the best time.
There are so many things up in the air in my life. I have so many obligations on my time right now and to put in place a full time love life??? Holy crap. I forgot what that was like. The juggling of schedules. The clandestine meetings. The holding in of the elation until everything makes sense. Of course, then there is all the incessant daydreaming. I work out and meditate every day, I have my eye on this amazing house, Mike Shawn and I have a show about to air in January that my company is producing, keeping up with Aubrei requires a lot of energy and time and well. Herein lies the reason for the saying: “be careful what you wish for…”
And boy did I wish for him. He didn’t fall from the sky or anything. I’ve known him for years. We gave it a go once or twice and things got weird. No, not weird. Complicated. Very, very, very complicated. And so we parted ways and somehow we found each other again. It’s amazing how that happens, isn’t it? When two people can reconnect–keeping the comfortability and finding something new together, while really seeing each other for who they are. No blinders. No representatives. No fluff or filler. Just two people connecting in an honest place. The chemistry between us is crazy, I will say that and I suppose the chemistry is what is filling up all my mental space right now. And I have so much shit to do.
I’m like in focus purgatory and it sucks because on the one hand OMG!, I’m so gooey and on the other OMG! am I ready? Of course I’m ready. We wouldn’t be where we are if I weren’t ready to receive him and he me. The trick for me now is wading through all this gooeyness enough to focus on my work. It’s so hard. I think about him all the time. I write him poetry (we have this pseudo battle going on that’s totally cute and dope) which helps me focus on work–uh, not at all.
I mean, I’m not picking out wedding dresses or anything, but jeez. A baby name has crossed the dome a time or two. And then I’m thinking about my family and how they’ll react and the logistics of it all. I’m a runner by nature so I’m thinking about all the ways he, Aubrei and I can slip out of the country to make MY life infinitely easier.
Oh yes, he’s met Aubrei. They adore each other, which is promising. All that other mess I was worried about before with other suitors has simply fallen away from my psyche. I’m 99.9% sure he’s “the one” and it actually pains me to not have him in my life every day.
It’s not even complicated anymore. The stressor for me is logistics. Money is an issue right now for me. I don’t like bringing people into my mess. I’ve learned to keep my house clean before inviting in company–mental, spiritual, emotional and physical. My mental, spiritual and emotional I’ve got in full check–it’s everything else in my life that needs a good once through (or two or ten). Of course, I’m speaking in allegorical terms. Case in point, my sister and I live together and I’m not quite in the financial or logistical position to move out– especially with this new show I’m producing and all the demands on my time and the sheer idea of moving all my crap anywhere at all again besides the house I have my eye on (which I plan to live in for years) does not bring me to a happy place.
A part of me is still in “I have to do this on my own” mode and a part of me is open to the whatever that happens when I allow myself to let go and let God take over that whatever. It’s not easy for me, admittedly. I have no rightly idea what’s supposed to happen next. There are so many questions floating within me that will not actually get answered until I get out of my gooey lovey dovey fog and get to work. I know he’ll wait for me. We’ve waited this long. But I don’t want him to have to. So herein lies my dilemma. Which isn’t really a dilemma when you think about it.
I just have to do what I have to do. Logistics have a way of working themselves out. And he has his ways of working himself in and we will just have to see how it all turns out. I’ll keep you posted.
In the meantime, I have no moral to this story. Just hoping there’s a bit of food for thought buried in there somewhere. I thank you for reading this though. Be ye blessed and abundant in all kinds of logistical blessings. -e-