I closed a door today. It was a door that had been cracked for years. I kept it cracked because I believed in my spirit that there was some good that would come out of keeping it ajar. I’ve finally learned that there are some doors that just need to be shut, locked, chained, pad locked, caulked, and then cemented over. Seriously.
After weeks of literally not speaking at all–only a light sprinkle of very to the point texts, “The BD” and I had a bit of an altercation. He text me earlier to ask if he could take Aubrei for ice cream. Of course, I told him yes and what time she would be home from school. He was late, but no worries. When he arrived, I walked Aubrei outside to meet him and then didn’t dawdle. I was back in my house before Aubrei could say “Daddy!”.
I’ve had a semblance of peace these last few weeks because I’ve purposefully chosen NOT to interact with him AT ALL. He’s had really close ties with Aubrei because I put in the effort to make it so: calling him when I pick Aubrei up from school so he can talk to her. Calling him before she goes to bed, so he can say good night. Inviting him to “come with” when we go to special places and events so Aubrei can have both of her parents around her to cultivate great memories.
After “The BD” and my last dramatic episode which I detailed in the post “Here’s The Thing…” which you can read at your leisure, I decided to do a little social experiment. I wanted to see if I was just being self righteous about my so-called “out of the box co-parenting efforts”. I wanted to test my theory that if I really fell back and did none of the above mentioned things, if he would step up and keep it all going.
I am not pleased to report that he hasn’t. In fact, save for the few texts from him over the last few weeks to “confirm” his picking up Aubrei for his weekend, Aubrei nor I have heard barely a peep from him. Admittedly, this saddens me.
I took the advice from my good girlfriend who told me emphatically that based on all the drama that has ensued between “The BD” and I, that I should basically remove myself from the equation. His relationship is with Aubrei and not necessarily with me. He should decide what that interaction looks like, not me. Aubrei is old enough now that my presence is irrelevant. He can pick her up from my parents house on his weekends and drop her back off there when it’s over. Anytime he wants to call or see her–absolutely he can and should. My role is to pick up the phone and hand it to Aubrei or make the hand off when he comes to get her. No more.
I have never wanted to be in a strained existence with anyone, particularly, the father of my child. It’s paramount to eating glass to see 4 years of hard work in the direction of unifying Aubrei entire family turned to muck, simply because the father of my child is utterly disrespectful and dare I say– immature beyond reason. I find myself looking at the high road and wanting to give it the finger. There are no high roads with him now. It’s just fake smiles and “see you at 7:30”. It breaks my heart.
When he dropped Aubrei off this evening, and I was walking Aubrei in the house, he called me back outside. He asked me if we were “cool”. I said (lying) “sure” and attempted to walk away. He stopped me and proceeded to tell ME why I had a problem with HIM. At first, I was just gonna nod in agreement and move along.
If you consider that he had it all figured out already without taking any effort to ask me prior to that moment– what business is it of mine to correct him? But again, my seeing a glimmer of hope in a hopeless situation, I attempted to explain what the issue actually was. Before I could get my words out right, he was telling me how ridiculous I was–he hadn’t disrespected me at all. Nope. I was the problem and whatever my problem was…was my problem. I had the good sense to agree with him and walk away. He kept coming at me when I did. Finally, exasperated, I simply walked to my front door, opened it just enough so I could walk through, shut it behind me and locked it for good measure.
I wasn’t angry. I simply sighed and got Aubrei ready for bed. What lingered in my head about the interaction was that finally, I simply don’t care anymore. I gave it a really good college try. What point is it to try to explain yourself to someone who can’t even hear you? What point is it to crack a door, when all you get is a trillion dollar heating bill (that really nobody can afford)?
To his defense, he did call and leave me a message apologizing for his display. It was an underhanded apology because while he was apologizing, he was also blaming and insulting me. He chalked it all up to his taking the high road and if I wanted to talk about it, I could call him. I didn’t. What I did instead was send him a brief e-mail thanking him for his apology and basically saying that it’s best if we just agree to disagree and keep things between us very basic. Plus, I sent him the link to my “Here’s the Thing” post so he could compare notes as to why he positioned I was miffed at him and what the truth is. I also told him that we actually don’t have any beef at all–it’s all good and over and hopefully, finally peaceful.
It became painfully clear to me as I pressed the send button that I was finally closing a door that I probably should have closed a long time ago. There are some people who honestly see weakness when people present kindness. There are people out there that must add their negative, toxic soundtrack to a movie that’s supposed to be about peaceful coexistence. People simply must do what they are designed to do. I’ve learned that no matter who those people are, if they drag you down, you’ve got to let them go.
He’s Aubrei’s dad, not mine. I’m never mean or vindictive or drama ready or any of that. I’ve given all that I could give, even under the most straining circumstances and you know what? I ain’t nobody’s Job. I don’t get a prize by twisting myself into painful shapes so he can abuse and disrespect the crap out of me and my kindness. So he can feel free to call me names and create friction around nothing in particular or important. Plus, I’m tired of writing therapy posts about him. It’s drawn. I have great people in my life who don’t treat me crappy. The only reason I’ve left the door open this long is because of Aubrei. Now I see that my work is done. I can’t force a utopia on folk who simply enjoy being capitalistic. By closing the door, he no longer has enough access to me to be the man he is and I no longer have to invest my care into it.
Maybe someday, he’ll seek out counseling or a man’s group or find a mentor or something that will put him definitively on a better path. Until then, as long as he’s nice to Aubrei, I’m right as rain. Door closed.
The moral of this story? I wish I knew. Just some food for thought. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and Abundant “it’s okay to let go” blessings. Love, -e-