I’ve had a very interesting several weeks. Busy. I’ve wanted to write, but prior to this very second, I hadn’t given myself the time or inclination to actually sit in front of the computer and let my thoughts run wild. Let my heart speak and tap dance with these here keys.
Today, I suppose, is the day.
Mind you, my life hasn’t been unpleasant at all. Just very busy and mildly stressful. I’ve let my daily running routine and workout regimen lapse a bit, which, makes my fuse a bit shorter than normal and little things to bother me more than they would. Plus, not writing as much as I usually would, makes my brain seem more clouded than I’m presently used to.
There is so much jumbled in my head right now, I hardly know where to begin. I’m feeling a bit like the people around me are siphoning my energy, like I am the only light source around and they brought buckets that need to be filled daily—it’s become annoying, quite frankly.
So far though, the plans I’ve made for the next 6 months are going smoothly. I’ve had a few setbacks, but nothing I can’t recover from. I’ve discovered that this phase my life is in is about patience and staying the course—no matter what it looks like.
For example, I have immediate plans on buying a house. I already have the house in mind. It’s a total fixer upper—4.5 acres, love the land, love the bones of said house—but it needs a whooooooooole lot of work. Considering that I’m a huge fan of the HGTV show, Sarah’s House (it’s a show where interior designer Sarah Ferguson buys a house, guts it, renovates it and makes it spectacular all on a completely unbelievable budget). I do believe in my spirit that my little once was a dope crib—now is a potential rat trap– will one day soon make its way to new found glory in the coming years—by my hand. Of course, it’s not as easy as saying: “Presto! I am now a home owner!” There’s a process I must follow. A mission I must accomplish. A plan that must unfold. All of which is testing my ever loving patience.
I will admit out loud that I am not the most patient person I’ve ever met. In fact, on the scale of 1-10, my patience level is probably at 5 or 6.75—which is a vast improvement from wherest I’ve come ( a number I won’t admit out loud). Prior to Aubrei and for some time after, I was all about—“I need it yesterday. Let’s make it happen 10 years ago. Deadlines people!!! “
As I’ve expressed in previous posts, I’ve come to understand that my rigid timelines only accomplish making my stress levels nearly unmanageable, I miss a whole bunch of necessary steps and quick fixes rarely pay out as they minx one’s brain to believe.
I’ve learned through many hard headed trials and errors, that things happen in a more awesome and organic way than I can put together in my own comparatively meager brain space. I’ve come to grips that I already have every single thing that I need. The things that I want sometimes take time. Plus, I don’t really need to dash to get them. I don’t need a quick fix for anything. I can set a goal, work toward it, focus my positive energy toward it and at the same time let go and let the universe take the reigns. ….. So much easier said than done.
So much of my life accomplishments or potential life accomplishments have revolved around HOW I am to do something—without truly understanding WHAT I really wanted.
This, of course, led to a whole lot of stuff in my life I didn’t want or need. Having had two reflective years of breaking down all the stuff that wasn’t working in my life, enhancing the things that were and letting go of all the rest of the stuff I just had to carry with me (just in case), I’ve not only discovered the truth behind my desires, I’ve discovered that I will have all that I seek. Plus, I don’t have to be stressed out about the divine right plans the universe and I have put into action. I just have to do what I can control and let the rest fall into place, as it always seems to do anyway.
So, that’s the case with my plight to be a home owner—there’s a down payment to save for, financials to get (and keep) in order, etc., etc., etc. It’s amazing what happens when we decide to do something both important and hard as hell. All the energy “siphoners” creep out of the woodwork and make life even more complicated.
What I’ve found that’s interesting though, is that the “siphoners” don’t have nearly as much power if one is focused on the end result and not the setbacks along the way. Sometimes, the energy “siphoners” are our own rigid time frames, our insecurity, ego, anger, doubt and/or fear. Sometimes we look around and see where we are and then look up at where we want to be and decide there is no way in the world we can make it there. It’s just too far. We just don’t have the stamina. Nor the time. Nor the strength to make it. Nor…nor…nor…nor…
What we don’t know is that all we have to do is take the first step and the other steps will become easier and easier and easier to take. Before we know it, we’ve taken 50 steps toward our goal and we are now 50 paces closer to where we want to be. Then we’re miles in. Then we’re 7, 10, 20 miles in. Before we know it, we’re looking at where we are—which is literally miles away from where we were and what our life looks like now is utterly blissful. Who knew that by taking a single step, we could literally climb the highest mountain or tread the toughest terrain or swim the widest ocean. All it takes is the balls (rather, ovum) enough to start and see it through to the end. I learned this through training for a marathon. It makes no difference how we start the race, it’s how (and if) we finish that matters.
Life, my friends, is not a 50 yard dash. It is just like that marathon. Our individual races are designed to help us build our endurance, strengthen our muscles and begin using muscles we didn’t even know we had. All that is required of us is to get off the couch and take the first step. We don’t need a fancy smancy external navigation system to guide us to where we’re going either. We were born with the awesomest one already installed in our current journey vessel. And no, it’s not your hooptie or your bangin’ rimmed out car.
It’s all right there in your dome. And hidden deep within you is a fail safe homing device, designed specifically to lead you where you’re going. In some cases, you don’t even need to know where that is. You just have be open enough to your truest desires (nope, not to be the next Ne-Yo, unless you truly are a remarkable Ne-Yo like singer/songwriter/dancer type).
The point of all of this , I suppose, is that I’m on a phase in my journey that is teaching me the power of sticktoitiveness. The understanding that we eat a mountain one bite at a time or move it one rock at a time or whatever the metaphor is. It’s all about staying the course and believing that no matter what it looks like around us, if what we want is FOR us—no one can keep it FROM us. Not even the external siphoners (read: haters) that have been riding our backs lately. Nope, not even them.
I have a house on my mind to buy and I’m open to all of the possibilities of what that means for me. It’s on my vision board. I see the divine right renovation. I can see Aubrei and me living there and having awesome family moments. I can see it as clearly as I can see my hands in front of me tapping on these keys. With that, comes dedication to saving money and keeping my outgoing expenses to a minimum whilest my incoming moolah becomes safely tucked away for a good cause.
I’ve learned loads of self control with regard to that literal tick I once had that involved ridiculously expensive shoes and handbags. Mostly because I learned from Carrie Bradshaw that home down payments can NOT in fact be made with Francesca Biasia handbags. Who knew?
The good news is that with all of my new shoe and handbag deprivation, I’ve learned to appreciate all the dope stuff I already have. I use and enjoy them more and worry not if they’re the latest or most in season or whatever. Who am I competing with anyway? Vogue? I don’t think so.
The truth of the universe is that my main desire is a sense of stability for myself and my daughter. In my mind’s eye, I see purchasing my divine right home as a huge step in that direction. Shoes may be made for profiling, but stable homes are made for raising happy, healthy families —which is what I’ve discovered I’m really after.
So… if you see me high stepping on the street (in shoes from like 8-12 seasons ago), please don’t try to stop me (or oggle)–you already know where I’m headed, kay?
The moral of this story? No rightly idea. Just some food for thought. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and abundant “stay your path, pimpin’” blessings.
Love, -e-