Tears linger
Though they have not yet manifested
I feel them
Right behind my eye sockets
Making a mockery
Of my happiness
A happiness that once was
Long ago
A feeling that I have been searching for since
I
Like a lonesome traveler
Conquistador
Look high and low
Far and wide
To no avail
Nothing
No one yet
Can compare
Can align properly
Can make sense of
What once was
No longer is
And probably never again shall be.
I am hopeful.
There must be some thing
Some one
Some where
That makes perfect sense
To my fickle senses
And yet…
I think sometimes
That I’m simply
Shit out of luck now.
My time passed
My moment over
My 15 minutes of true love
Has already run its course.
I think it unthinkable that God
Has no plans for me
With regard to love.
He made me ever complex
In every imaginable way
There must be a key that fits.
A smile that melts
These cold fits I get.
But still nothing.
My days get longer still
They Pass by unfilled.
I try to make due with
Makeshift maybes
In hopes of at least one more baby
Or two or three
But I’m beginning to believe
This may not be my destiny
Despite my hoping
Despite my openness to it.
I have never been so
Unfulfilled in every single way before
Well, I suppose I have
Thinking back now.
No love
Career at a stall
Making moves
In cement
And somehow
Keeping it moving
Even at a snail’s pace.
I’ve stopped questioning
Now.
Not God’s plan
Not even my own.
As I go with the flow
I know there’s something
Though I don’t know what
The universe keeps begging patience of me
And giving me no choices
I can see
I am not a lady in waiting
I am more like a throneless queen
Debating
What my purpose really
Has come to be.
I guess I have always understood
It’s not really up to me.
-e-