Happy Friday (sortof) Night Love and Light to you! Welcome to another winning week of awesome!
Mercury isn’t retrograde, thank Gawd, but I was thinking… I had a boyfriend once named, uh, “Wagner”. Why Wagner? Because I honestly feel like I should have dated a guy named Wagner at some point in my life. Certainly a guy named Wagner would be my type, right? But alas, I’ve never even met a guy named Wagner, let a lone dated one. And yet I have now, circa this post. K.
So “Wagner” and I were an item many, many, many years ago. He really was an awesome guy. He was reasonably handsome. He was extraordinarily talented. He was tall, stocky and gave off the total reasonably good looking linebacker vibe. I’m not usually into linebackers as a general rule, but it worked for Wagner. Wagner’s greatest quality, I’ll admit, is he loved the holy-out-of-control-crap out of me. Dear lawd. He just loved me on sight. And he did everything in his power to make sure I knew how much he adored me. At the time, this was a huge selling point for me as to why he and I ended up going out.
You see, growing up, I was always told that the key to a great relationship is to find a man who loves you more than you love them. We’ll suppose I was lucky enough throughout my relationship tenures to meet guys I liked as equally as they liked me–for the most part. But Wagner was the first boyfriend I had that I wasn’t even luke warm for. I really could have taken or left him. He was great and nice and all that jazz. But I really wasn’t that into him. But I was into him being into me. Now being young, dumb, and full of uh, complication, I knew that I didn’t want to be Wagner’s girlfriend. But I felt like it would be unkind to him if I didn’t at least try to like him the way he liked me. Right? He was a good dude. What did I have to lose?
So when he asked me out, I said yes. We had a reasonably good time together, so we went out again. Eventually, he assumed me to be his girlfriend and I didn’t argue with him about it. He was a warm body who adored the literal gum on my shoe. And he was nice to me. Funny thing that happens when you decide to go steady with somebody you don’t really love nor have any reasonable romantic interest in. That shat gets old really, really quick. And he becomes like that thoroughly annoying dude that’s always in your face looking for your approval and attention. And so you roll your eyes. And you become that girl who just wants him to not be in your face. Sex together (even if its reasonably good) begins with an eye roll on your part. And you become that girl that just needs some “space”. Like, the infinite kind.
So maybe three months in to this potential fuckery opera, I couldn’t take it anymore. So I broke up with him. Wagner was devastated. I mean crushed. Which made me feel like a horrible person because I did that. I put myself in a relationship I didn’t want to be in because “he loved me”. Even though I knew in my soul that I didn’t, couldn’t and wouldn’t love him the way he deserved to be–the way he wanted me to. I let my ego glamour me into believing he could love me enough for the both of us. Which is the biggest crock of bullshit and lies ever sold to the public.
At some point I had to acknowledge that with Wagner, I wanted to be loved and adored in a way that I got to have minimal skin in the game. I was safe because my heart wasn’t in it. See, in that relationship, it was impossible for my heart to get broken and I was all but cool with that. But, I didn’t think about his heart. I was being selfish. And arrogant. And I broke that man’s heart into tiny pieces because it was more cute and compelling to be cute and compelling to somebody I couldn’t love, than to be alone or to stick it out for somebody where both of our hearts are equally invested.
Karma is a bitch. Not long after Wagner and I did the crash and burn dance, I met “Chandler”. Nope, never met a Chandler outside of that 90’s TV Show, but you get the idea by now. Anyway, Chandler and I had that instant, gorgeous chemistry that chic flicks are designed around. Chandler was ever-y-thang. Tall, fynnnnnne, way my type as a general rule, kind, sweet, generous, interesting, and a tennis player. That man inspired poetry. No lies. I loved me some Chandler. He was ever-y-thang. Except into me the way I was into him. See, Chandler liked the idea of having me on his arm, but his heart was still invested in his ex-girlfriend. Just like I was all “meh” about Wagner, Chandler was all “meh” about me. Which was devastating, believe me. I was crushed. But I knew there was something I could do to win his heart. Meanwhile, no.
Eventually, I broke it off with him. But the damage was done already. And yet, we can say that I finally learned the lesson both experiences were designed to teach me. LOVE honest.
It’s the easiest, hardest thing to do, but it’s the only way to truly LOVE. Relationships are reciprocal. If the feelings only go one way, already the thing is revolving around selfishness by both parties. Case in point, Wagner knew I didn’t love him in a romantic way. But he wanted me. So he was willing to be that guy to get his heart broken to “have me” in his life. He too was being selfish. And I would wager that his love wasn’t as honest as one would want to believe. Wagner’s love for me would have been more honest, maybe, if he wanted ME to be with somebody I loved, who loved me back in kind. Not simply with him, because he loved me.
Chandler could have not asked me out. Knowing I would accept. He could have not treated me like I was his girlfriend, knowing I wanted that job more than anything. He could have taken time to unpack his baggage and engage me when he was ready to be fully invested, but alas. He was being selfish. But alas, I was being selfish too. I knew all of the above was an issue, but I wanted him. And so I was willing to settle for my love for him, rather than have a love that would give me in kind what I was willing to give.
I’m not sure the many of us look at love and relationships this way. I think we think that love is something we can earn by doing stuff for people or being nice to them. I think we think that if somebody doesn’t love us the way we want them to, well then, we have to work harder to convince them of our worthiness. I think we think we can grow on somebody (like a wart) or wear them down (like a dripstone). But actual LOVE for somebody doesn’t work like that. When you love somebody, truly, you want for them what they want for them. Sometimes what they want isn’t what you want. But you still want your LOVE to have the richest life experiences they can have–even if its not with you. LOVE isn’t about ownership. It’s about freedom. LOVE isn’t about having your “needs” met. It’s about unfoldment and expression. Unfoldment isn’t a tap dance, it’s unfoldment. Duh. It happens naturally. As in, it will happen anyway, without your manipulation, yes? When love is honest and reciprocal, all the stuff you may want to do for your boo is a gorgeous bonus… not the entry fee. IJS.
So I figure, since cuffing season is profoundly upon us within the next few months, maybe we can mentally prepare for such things by remembering not to be “Wagner” or “Chandler” or even “Way Back When Envy” this go round. Love honest. Only invest your precious heart with those who want to invest in yours, while investing theirs too. If you have to do too much, you’re doing too much. They’re just not that into you boo. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Find someone who is. K.
So. That’s what I learned this week. I do hope it helps something. Thank you for reading this (!!!) Remember always to #RuleYoSelf with L.O.V.E. Have a Happy Awesome Weekend! Love you madly!
Osho Lovianhal,
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