Happy Friday Night Love and Light to you!
The entire theme for this week has been about SELF-awareness. I’ve been gob-smacked on a daily basis about this concept of being true to oneself. Gaaaah! Who has that kind of time? I mean, we’ve all got roles to play, right? Some of us have so many roles to play, keeping count of which character we’re supposed to be at which time requires a schedule embedded in our schedule, yes? We wear so many faces cause the world requires such things from us to fit in. We know we’re wearing the right face when our brooding audience nods their fake necks in approval. Oh how we long for that fake neck nod, don’t we? It just makes life worth living doesn’t it? Getting the approval of people who could really give a shat if we’re happy or on path, just as long as we don’t ruffle their stiffened feathers, veer off (their prescribed) path, turn over the apple cart or tempt the fate of the status quo. Brrrrrr. I live for the fake neck nod, don’t you? NOT.
But we do it don’t we? Want to fit in so badly that we create personas that become so real to us, we forget they’re not real. Just me? K. And better, ever know somebody who claims to know so much about you, whilst they are so NOT self-aware. Like, at all. Like, how you gone “know” me, but don’t know you? How does that even work? And yet. It does.
Such things are called “The Representative”. In McKeenian lingo such things are the destroyer of authentic relationships far and wide and all over the omniverse. Allegedly. How did “The Representative” come to rule the roost, aka think, talk, act and interact in place of you–instead of you in everyday life? Welp, years and years of practice. Duh.
I’d gather such things happen in childhood when our doting parental units with the best intentions possible (maybe) prepared us for the world with their ideas of who we should be, based on their wisdom and experience. Sometimes. Essentially, to keep the favor of the dear olds, we did what they said as much as we could hack and found a face that suited such things. Then we needed to make friends and so we fit in with our friends and found a face that would cause us the least amount of pain. Oh, and then society had some things to say about who we are and what we should be and aspire to, so we did some of that and found a face that fit. We “played the game” to get the job we wanted, which required a “game face”. And then when we wanted to have a love life, we found ourselves into a face to attract “The One” as well. Once we found “The One” (or not), well we had to “play the role” that was expected of us, so we found a face for that. We picked up a face or two for work, a face to have on when we hang out with friends, a face for our kids, a face for The PTA meetings or a “date face” if we missed “The One” when we were supposed to nab them, a face for our parents again when they visit us as adults, a face when we want strangers to like us, a face when we go shopping, a face to wear to bed, a face we wear for the weekends versus weekday, a face for social media… you get the idea. We got all kinda faces and none of them are really us. Still just me? K.
It turns out “The Representative” is lots of different things and it wears loads of different faces, but none of those things or faces have anything at all to do with who you truly are, what you truly want and what you’re truly here for. Further, once you’re taught by people that you shouldn’t be an expert on yourself (because other people are supposed to be experts on you) the obvious conclusion is that one is supposed to be an expert on other people, rather than oneself. Duh. I imagine such things are exhausting. I wouldn’t know for sure of course cause, I, just like you, have never,ever gotten caught up in trying to be everything to everybody but what I am. Right? Whew! We dodged that bullet didn’t we?
The truth is, I spent a great portion of my life trying to squeeze myself into painful shapes to please everyone who claimed to know me so well, but myself. Mostly because I spent so much time believing what everyone else claimed to know about me, without ever actually taking the journey to get to know me for myself. To learn my truth. I was taught from a very young age that every place in the universe (outside of me) was safer than I was. AND ultimately, someone outside of me, someone who knew me better and who could care for me better than me (which sounds so dumb in retrospect), would save me from myself (and ultimately the world). Imagine how that fuckery opera plays out in real life. And yet, it does. Every. Single. Day. With people of every color, creed, gender and walk of life. The world is a scary place. But WE’re scarier.You know, with all that original sin and whatnot. Pfff. Most of us aren’t taught to be ourselves. We’re taught to be everything but. And then we pressure the people in our lives to fit in to the same fuckery box of bulljank we decided to fit ourselves in. Because “The Representative” just loooves company for all its misery.
The good news is that who you think you are, versus who you actually are,truly, is far more glorious than you can imagine. You are the stuff of legend with no limits to speak of. You are gorgeous beyond common standards and you were born NOT to fit in, but to stand out boo! You were born to be BIG and be BOLD and to be whatever it is you want! That representative stuff doesn’t suit you. It never did. That fuckery box of bulljank is way too small to hold your big awesomeness. If nobody ever told you, it’s okay. I’m telling you now. Discover you. You’re the most beautiful work of art you’ll ever meet.
I was good and grown before somebody told me I could be free from “The Representative”. I spent the last almost 9 years rediscovering myself for myself. I’ve chronicled a lot of my journey on my blog (envymckee.com). It’s been an adventure that I wouldn’t trade for a thrillion Elfin coins (I just watched The Hobbit 2, just go with it). The best news is since I dumped my representative for the more modern authentic model, I haven’t seen my old 75 face version since. I’m myself. I make no apologies about my flaws, foils and whatnots–whilst giving zero focks about what the peanut gallery has to say) and I don’t need to defend a single thing that I own as mine. You know you’re hanging on to your rep, when you need to defend it. Your authentic self is your truth. The actual truth is not debatable, FYI.
Here’s the clincher. There is nobody on this planet who knows more about me than I do. If only because I took the time to face myself every single day. Which is exactly how it’s supposed to be. There can be only one expert on you and it’s supposed to be you. Discover you. You’re here for the duration of your life… might as well ride out honest. Please and Thank you. #RuleYOself.
So. That’s what I learned this week. I do hope it helps something. Thank you for reading this (!!!) Remember always to #RuleYoSelf with L.O.V.E. Have a Happy Awesome Weekend! Love you madly!
Osho Lovianhal,
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