The last few weeks have been a real doozy for me. When I say doozy. I. mean. exactly. that. DOOOOOOOOOZY. The more I think about all that I’ve done and been through these last two weeks, the more I look around at my life and go–“how in the (f) did I even get through all that in one piece?!” Well, not exactly in ONE piece. Consider the last leg of this past doozy week was plagued by food poisoning or a stomach virus of some sort. I’m positive I don’t need to elaborate any further. You know where the other pieces went then.
When I wasn’t in complete physical duress, I was trying desperately to gain a grip on what was left of my seemingly crumbling life. If you know me like I know me–I work through pain. It’s physically more painful for me to sit still and wallow than it is for me to get up and DO something constructive. So I went for trudge-like walks in 90 degree weather listening to one of my favorite inspirational figures–Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith.
I was compelled to revisit Dr. Beckwith’s Life Visioning series (which you can acquire on iTunes or a hard copy of the audio series @ Amazon.com). The series is set up in 4 stages and 6 CDs (or tracks)– and it basically breaks down what Dr. Beckwith calls the evolution of our soul. It sounds deep. In some cases, depending on how open you are to “alternative” view points–it may be. Beckwith is one of those souls who doesn’t tie himself to one religious text or viewpoint. He studies them all and has a gift for presenting spiritual information in a holistic way. No matter your thought waves on religion and such–it’s worth a listen–Jesus is well represented.
So I was walking, just barely needing to lift my legs with my hands as I took each step. It was the heat. My protesting stomach. My body aches and my inability to sit still all working against me and on my behalf at the same time. I was listening to Stage One–Victim Consciousness–the stage where one finds oneself “in constant reaction to things happening “to me” at the hands of a power outside of our control”. Of course, I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt like shit. Nothing has been going as I want it to. I have been doing too much and my body was protesting.
I was BONE tired enough that my immune system was off enough that the woman who NEVER gets sick, had a severe “allergy thingy” one week and an even more severe “food poisoning/stomach virus thingy” not but a week later. I was in a feverish state of anger at everything around me. I didn’t even feel like facebooking–yes, it was THAT bad.
I knew instinctively that a change was in order or was emerging in me. I knew my attitude needed adjustment and I knew if I didn’t do the inner work necessary, I would be stuck in yucks-ville for a really long while. If you’ve ever visited yucks-ville, you know how badly it sucks. And how it can suck you in, if you don’t figure out how you got stranded there to begin with.
For me, it was changes. I put myself in a precarious situation by trusting a friend and not my own instincts. I have an eternal optimism that burns so brightly, sometimes I can’t see as clearly as those with much dimmer optimism bulbs. Sometimes, really bright lights can make everything seem much warmer and more attractive. Everything is lit up and you go: “Wow! This is so beautiful! This is exactly where I need to be right now!” Unfortunately, when the sun is always shining in one area and then we get to exploring the areas that aren’t being lit up like Times Square at midnight, the truth behind the lights come out. Shit ain’t always what we make it. Particularly if we don’t do our due diligence before hand.
The long and short of this very vague story? I got fucked. BUUUUUT. I can’t blame anybody because I bent over and came prepared with the proper amount of lube. I was smiling the whole way though it because the sun was shining on the act and the lights were going bonkers and in my haste to get past a really long dark night in my life, I ended up in a false light source. It wasn’t actually the sun shining. It was me shining my optimism on a situation that was bleak, at best, given all the circumstances surrounding it.
Yes, I’m being vague. Yes! Because regardless of what in the hell-o-Pete I’m talking about–we’ve all done this. We’ve all put ourselves in fffd up scenarios because we think anything is better than where we are and handling what we have to handle. And then, we end up in a bigger mess than the one we were in to start. Some of us stay in that much bigger mess and pray for the best. Some of us–like me–this time–cut our losses and prepare ourselves to start over. Not over, over because we actually learned something from the experience (this time…as to not repeat the nonsense again). But we start over, none the less. These, my friends are called changes.
I’ve come to learn that changes in our lives are paramount to the evolution of our existence. We aren’t here to stay the same. We’re here to grow. In order to grow, we’ve got to fuck up (it’s called life experience). In order to fuck up we’ve got to make decisions. In order to make decisions, we’ve got to step out on faith. In order to step out on faith, we’ve got to believe in something. In order to believe in something we’ve got to want something for ourselves. In order to want something for ourselves, we’ve got to see more than we have at present. This is called having a vision.
I have a vision. A really, grand, sparkly one. My vision spans my life, Aubrei’s life, the lives of my family and yours. It encompasses all of our communities and millions of communities throughout the world. My vision reaches people while they sit in front of their TVs and computers. It reaches people who have radios and infiltrates the lives of people who don’t own any gadgets at all. My vision is about a world view that pulls us all together with relevant information, consciousness, insight, entertainment and love. My vision isn’t even about me anymore. It’s about something I was put on this Earth to do that helps us all to reach our greatest human potential. I told you. My vision is grand and sparkly. I give glimmers of this in my speculative fiction novel–The Stellar Trilogy. I share pieces of it here in this blog. You can get a sense of my vision when you read my many, daily FB posts. But most of my vision you can’t yet see, because it’s in front of me on my vision board.
What you also can’t see is the many changes I’ve been through to even get to this point in my life. And being able to share this leg of my journey with you. You will never know all the people who have come and gone from my life. You will never know the amount of stress my stomach has held thus far. You will never know the struggle sometimes to get out of bed to make a really fucked up day or week or month make sense the next. You will never know how misunderstood I’ve been or how many times I’ve had my heart broken or the pain I’ve had to live with and forgive. Just like, just beneath your own surface–I will never know yours.
The point of all of this is that changes is what helps make us. Without them, we might never know what we’re made of. Some of the changes, we put ourselves in–if only because there’s stuff we still need to learn–to get better. Some of them just suck. Some changes are awesome and looked forward to. Some of them get flushed 20 times an hour for the better part of a week. Every change is a part of the way we get to our bigger picture. It’s the way our vision gets its shine from our optimism’s light.
Funny how the status quo we abhor today was once the renegade viewpoint from back in the day… and so the changes we make today will be the status quo of tomorrow…
Keep on path my people. Hold tight to your vision. The changes you face today give you armor to face more tomorrow and get you ever closer to where you’re ultimately designed to go.
“You must first have the knowledge of your power; second, the courage to dare; third, the faith to do.” ~ The Mater Key System
The moral of this story? I have no idea. Just some food *uck* for thought. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and Abundant “change-full-o” blessings! Love, -e-