Normally when I feel a bit melancholy, it’s because there is something on my spirit that needs to get out. Sometimes the relief of which is as simple as sitting my fast ass down to write it out in poem form or a blog post or whatever comes to mind in my journal.
Since I’ve been dealing with my unique moodiness for the better part of my entire life, I’ve become pretty self aware–particularly when I’m grumpy. Mostly because I am hardly ever grumpy. The only time I’m grumpy is when something is a bit off kilter in me. In fact, I’ve been accused of being the kind of annoying optimist that sees the silver lining of every storm cloud ravaging every town for any reason you can think of. I see good in people, even if there is no good to be found to the naked eye. Even when the storm is in my life. Even when the people who aren’t so good is me.
Because these melancholy flash points happen so few and far between (normally), I tend to take a reflective stance on them. I sit and think for hours on end about what could be bothering me, what is the source of my sadness and what can I do in this moment to lift my spirits enough to see again, the glittering lining beneath the dark clouds hovering over my head? Most times, just taking the time for myself in this way is enough. Some times, like today, it’s not.
I’ve had a really weird, but good weekend. Besides dealing with a “post stalker”, I took Aubrei to enjoy my Friday diva ritual with me. I enjoyed Mother’s Day tremendously. I enjoyed spending time with my parents, my sister, my uncle and my grandmother. I enjoyed taking pictures and eating great grub and cooking with my mom and sister. I really don’t have anything to be grumpy about, quite frankly. And yet, something is pulling at me, like my 3 year old does in the store when she sees a ball she wants or some junk she knows she can’t have.
I’m not sure if the pulling is meant to keep me still in reflection or to adjust my momentum in a different direction. You know that feeling when you get the ball rolling and you’re in a rhythm, but something is pulling at you and you haven’t the foggiest why you would feel anything but great about where you’re headed? I feel like that and it’s boggling me.
Another weird note I might add is that I’ve been getting light headed lately, which is a testament to not nourishing my body properly or stress creeping up on me. A few weeks ago, my blood pressure was so low, I damn near collapsed taking Aubrei to swimming. I was dehydrated and had to sleep and rehydrate for two days at my parents because essentially, I’m a single mom with no one to lean on in times like those except my immediate family.
Maybe that’s what’s bothering me. What if I literally had no one to call, face down on the carpet with my daughter asking me if I’m okay?
I am such a go-getter. I work so hard for this invisible prize in the sky because that’s what is in my spirit to do. But is it?
Some days I want to be in a committed relationship. Some days I want a strong man to lean on so I don’t have to feel like I have to be teflon at all times. I know I do want more babies, I’ve always wanted a big family, but I’ve never slowed down long enough to do anything that even remotely looks like that’s what I want. I do know that I am not that chic that was designed to be a stay at home mom. Make babies? I can do that– I particularly enjoy the process. Raise them in my unique way? I think I’m doing my thing with Aubrei–she’s brillinat and gorgeous, well mannered and thoughful. It’s everything else that’s a blur for me.
I don’t think I should have to choose between what my soul longs to do and my maternal clock ticking all wild and wooly like. Except, something is pulling at me for a reason. I’m whole, but I’m not complete–If that makes any sense. I toil daily between committing myself to finding a significant other and keeping on with all the things I have to do to get me where I long to go with my career. My toiling is always between a stable family life and a significant career. Meanwhile, my mom keeps in my ear about finiding me a rich husband–this prose has been going on for years and it’s a rebellion I keep close to my chest in banner form–“I don’t need no man to save me!”
And yet…
So here I am, melancholy now flooding my eye sockets, keeping me in a trance in front of my vision board–I’m looking at my dream house, my fabulous new car, the building that will house ArkyM Entertainment headquarters. I see promo photos of my TV show, I see how many SmarTees will be sold to benefit The Human Lobby, I see my book deal, I see the plans for my secret poetry project and the accompanying stage show. I see my daughter and me at one of our happiest moments having a swanky lunch at Parc in Rittenhouse. I’m looking at press releases of prior accomplishments and on my desk are awards and certificates as a reminder that I’ve done something special some time before now.
The only thing I don’t see on my vision board or on my desk, is a picture of me with that special man who makes my dream home a sanctuary and me , my daughter and her future siblings…a family.
I have to wonder. Are my priorities truly in order? Your guess is as good as mine. *sigh*
The moral of this story? As usual, you know there ain’t one. As the title of this post explains, it’s just a bit of aimless randomness and a smidge of gratuitous prose on today’s melancholy. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and abundant blessings. -e-