I feel like I’ve just swallowed a horse. And it’s sitting in my throat and I can’t make it go down no matter how much water I drink. My hands are clammy. My body is trembling. My hands are shaking as I type on these keys. I’m sick with anxiety and I want nothing more than to collect my child and board the first thing smoking to Miami, Florida to decompress a bit with my best friend Rudy.
That, my dears, is called running away. That, my dears, doesn’t solve a damned thing. OhhEmmGeee. Change is Good? Yes, change is good. Awesome even. Especially when your spirit is screaming at you that it’s necessary and your current and future quality of life and livelihood depend on it.
With change comes this inevitable thing called doubt. It’s that weird place between knowing in your gut that you’re doing the right thing and letting your ego tell you you’re a damned fool. The ego is a tricky little bugger. It will minx you into believing a burning building is the best place to be if you’re used to living your life in crisis mode. Unfortunately for your ego–you know better–NOW.
As I mentioned in my last post, and last week’s episode of The Envy McKee Show–I’m going through something heeeeuuuge. It has evolved in real time, reality show-esque style throughout the course of this week and I have to admit, some of them scenes are really not pretty. But, maybe to my credit, I’ve been sticking to my guns. There are a lot of tricky elements involved and my ego and a bit of my fear of failure has been nagging at my insides like termites.
My highest self and God however has been communicating to me loud and clear. At every turn that I expected an obstacle– a way has been made. Ease and grace. Quietly and sweetly as Dr. Beckwith said. Some things I didn’t even have to ask for. Folk just offered. Now that I think about it–I didn’t have to ask for anything I needed. A way was simply made. Even the things that were supposed to take weeks, will literally be handled in a matter of days. My truest friends have stepped up to my aide, and new friends have become beacons of light in my journey toward this positive change I’m after. It’s like every single thing in the universe is working to make me know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Plus, I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to do. It’s uncanny.
What’s uncanny about it is all I had to do was say out loud that I am open. I am ready. I am willing– to take my life to the next level. Send me the divine right people. Put me in the divine right places. Help me to know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m on path. That it would all be okay. That I would fly fine once the weight was off my ankles. Even though the timing seemed God awful–it was actually God perfect. Even though the knots in my stomach plagued me–I held my ground. Every time I stayed on path and followed my instincts, something else I asked for unfolded for me beyond what I would have even hoped. I swear, it’s the weirdest thing in the world to experience. My friend Shelton called it “Seren-stupidity” in jest. I call it manifest destiny. Like, wow.
Trust has always been a big issue for me. It’s the way I was raised. On the one hand I trust everybody naively and on the other, I really don’t trust folk further than I can throw them. The duality of that existence is exhausting. So why in the world would I trust God and trust the process fully, if I can’t really see, smell, taste, or hear that what I’m trusting is forreal? That just sounds stupid.
With that in mind, I finally had to come to terms with what I was doing to create the circumstances I’ve been faced with. What is it about me that is causing me to persistently be put in this spot–with this person or people and what can I do to be proactive for the future. To “end the cycle” of doubt–so to speak? The word “Trust” was blaring in my skull like a neon sign. And not “trusting” these same limited thinking people to “save” me from whatever–keeping me somehow crippled and needy. TRUSTing my highest self and my highest purpose and GOD to lead me past that crippled, needy and mediocre co-dependent existence and into a life of fervor, excellence, freedom and abundance. Clearly, I kept “trusting” the wrong people.
This understanding requires us to let go of the blame and “victim consciousness” and open ourselves up to our personal greatness. Focusing on fault and maybe even “revenge” is fruitless. It’s nobody’s fault YOU need to make life changes. It’s not about keeping up with the Joneses on the creative plane. It’s not about competition. It’s about finding our center (our purpose) and surrounding ourselves with people who support us and encourage us and are divinely in line with who we are designed to be.
Every single one of us has a movement inside of us. Every single one of us has has a cause to be set in motion. Every single one of us is designed to do something awesome with our lives. Whether that be an awesome-minded educator, treating the “whole self” doctor, (actual) truth-inspired spiritual guide, or highest self led media personalities, actors, scientists, painters, directors, musicians, business folk and creative types of every field of expertise.
You can’t be who you’re designed to be if you’re constantly fighting with folks about your unique point of view–based entirely on other folk personal feelings of limitation–not your own. If folk don’t “get” you, you’re around the wrong folk–no explanation and defense monologue necessary. Keep it moving. The status quo needs you to stay still and stay stuck. But evolution and truth requires you to create your movement.
The point of this here diatribe is to point out to those of us going through change that–no matter what it looks like–don’t give up. No matter who you’re breaking away from or whatever the circumstance. If you made it this far, you can go all the way. Even if you just took one teeny step. You can do it! Take another. Take the time to sit in silence and let your heart speak it’s truth to you. Trust that whatever you’re going through, will lead you to your greatest good. Whatever is happening is designed to make you better, greater and more awesome than you ever thought was possible.
Instead of complaining about the pain or uncomfortability in making necessary changes in your life–keep moving, keep meditating, keep thanking God for the unfoldment of your best life possible. Thank God that all the people in your life are supportive ones. Celebrate the blessings you have already–no matter how small: the food you eat, the clothes on your back, your health, your presence of mind, your courage–whatever. Gratitude is a bridge to everything #awesome!!! Then, know for sure without even a shred of doubt that God’s greatest good for you is already manifest. It is so. So be it.
The moral of this story? Wait…let me think…um… nah. Nothing here. Just some food for thought. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and abundant “God is Change” blessings. Love, -e-