Since our last #TEMS (read: The Envy McKee Show) episode last Tuesday, I’ve been pondering the concept of miracles, love, our ideas about what love is and how we treat each other in relationships. Thus far on the show we’ve gotten a snap shot of the feminine perspective as well as a smattering of what male people are thinking with regard to relationships and how we interact in them.
On the one hand, I’m inspired. I believe that at least each side of this discussion has their open minded-ness door at least cracked for the possibility that our current points of view need some tweaking. On the other hand, I’m not so sure that either side is truly committed to the idea that we ALL need to do the tweaking. We haven’t yet committed to the idea of meeting each other for the first time as our actual authentic selves. Some of us haven’t even met our authentic selves yet–which makes being in relationships all the more weird. I digress.
With all the things I’ve learned and experienced over the course of the last several weeks, I was inspired to take some time out to reflect upon my tales of relationships past. For whatever reason. I thought about the men I loved dearly (or so I thought) and how our relationships ended. I had to look at my part in these endings and what I liked or didn’t like about the men in question. The most significant relationship I had to consider was that of Aubrei’s father and our topsy turvy continual turns of events.
I mean, yeah. We’re in a pretty good communication place now, but the majority of these 7 years that I’ve known him have NOT been Stellar. While I’ve chronicled several of those things on this here blog space, I haven’t been forthcoming about my part in the saga. Mostly because I didn’t think I added any negativity to the saga in the slightest. I’m a woman. Of course, I’m perfect. Duh.
All seriousness aside, I hadn’t considered this teeny tiny detail in people interaction, whilst I blame the load on The BD for our relational woes, there are three sides to every story: His side. My side. AND. The TRUTH–which, in most cases, is on my side.
If you ask him, I’m all kinds of crazy. I know, all male people say that about women. But if he believes it, that’s his truth and if that’s his truth–guess how he’s going to interact with me? Like I’m all kinds of crazy. Right?
If you ask me, he’s got his priorities all wacked out and to the left side of damn near retarded. I know, all feminine types say that about male people. But if I believe that, that’s my truth and if that’s my truth–guess how I’m going to interact with him? Like he’s all kinds of retarded. Right?
Meanwhile, if you put both of those “truths” in the middle somewhere, we’re bound to actually start to get to the bottom of what the problem actually is. Maybe.
Okay so. How many of us interact with people significant to us with these same closed ideas– based maybe on a few incidents and not really representative of who these people truly are? How many of us make the “not so good” about these folk top of our focus and let the good go by daily without so much as a once over (or a thank you). How many of us focus on our skewed perceptions and let the actual TRUTH keep our relationships locked up and handcuffed to a metal bench in state police headquarters? We all want to talk about how we are treated by the opposite sex (and people in general), but how often do we take TRUTH activated inventory of a) how we treat ourselves and b) how we treat each other? AND c) how often do we ask the person we are loving how they feel we treat them whilst keeping our gabs shut to hear their answer? AND d) not lose our minds when we hear said answer?
The theme that stood out to me during The Ladies’ Dish and the subsequent The Dudes’ Dish is that WE don’t communicate with each other very well. Guys tell their women what they think their women want to hear so they “don’t have to hear their mouth”. And women aren’t very forthcoming with their truth either because “men can’t handle the truth”. OMG.
It was Gandhi who said something like: “We all want to change the world, but nobody wants to change themselves.” I believe this statement can and does actively apply to our relationships. We all want to change the person we’re with–but have no inclination to want to change ourselves.
We don’t even realize how we treat our partner has a direct effect on how they interact with us. We don’t even realize that our tone, our attitude, and showing our appreciation has a huge effect on daily events. We don’t realize it and most times are not even inclined to ask how our partner feels. We just assume he or she is happy–mostly because “they haven’t said anything”. And then when things get ugly we’re oft surprised and perplexed that bags are actually being packed. *gasp*. Some of us also have a lot of preconceived notions of what our relationships are “supposed” to look like by way of some Ozzie & Harriet mind wave we allow to live on in 2011. Meanwhile, these same some of us have not actually done enough inner work to figure out what we may actually need in a relationship and from our significant other.
The Cliffs Notes of this here diatribe is that we would all do better to realize that love is not a one lane back country road. It’s not even a two way street–and no–it’s not about you. Love is about the good of “The All”. It’s a little selfless, giving, caring, understanding,compromising and listening. All of the things I’ve been hearing from the lot of us, that we ALL do a little too little of. You want more awesome relationships? Ask. Then stop talking long enough to hear what’s being said. Then and only then will you learn every single thing you need to know… And go!
The moral of this story? No idea. Just some food for thought. Thank you for reading this though. Peace and abundant. “Can you hear me now? Awesome!” Blessings, Love -e-