I rarely, if ever, post my failures. For good reason. Nobody wants to talk about being the loser they oft point fingers at. I try some things. Some things work out. Some things don’t. For example, the NYC Marathon I was so determined to enter and go forth with. I didn’t. I fizzled out. It got cold. My sneakers were too tight. I couldn’t manage it all in my schedule. I wanted a clove. I couldn’t fit enough food in my body to satiate me. I gained weight. Blah, blah and blah.
I get nervous about publicly mentioning the stuff I’m up to. It’s almost like saying I’m gonna do something means that I don’t actually have to do it. Most times, if it’s already done, it’s cool. But sometimes… if there’s a long road ahead, getting to the finish line is like trudging through molasses. Sticky, messy and too much work on a Wednesday afternoon. The truth is, I didn’t actually LIKE running that much. I mean, I felt good afterward, but, running when I want to is much different than running because I said I would. I’m just that free spirit. I do things for the love of doing them. I do things to make a point. I do things to stick my middle finger up at folks who piss me off. I’ll begrudgingly do things because I must. But I won’t do things I don’t enjoy. No matter how many times I say I will. That’s my tick. Sue me.
Surprisingly, as February 1, 2011 makes it’s way into the present, I get more and more excited. I’m actually allowing my day to day reflect the experience I hope to gain–if that makes any sense. For me, this clean is about aligning my entire life. It’s about taking all the information I know and have practiced and finding ways to make everything in my life fit in a more balanced way, by clearing out some of the junk that has been lingering in my insides for yeeeeeeears.
I’ve done a lot of this for my mentals. I’ve done a lot of this for my career. I’ve done a lot of this for my emotions and body work and etc. and what have you–but I have yet to master my ability to put it all together and make a semi-routine out of it. I look at Dr. Junger’s Clean program as my way to jumpstart this and make it consistent.
For example, I meditate. For a while I found time to meditate twice a day. Once my life took on a way more hectic tone, my meditation waned. Con-sid-er-a-bly. I felt the difference, but I had stuff to do. Yoga, excercise, dancing, moving!!!! I love to do these things. Ask me the last time I really just went wild in my living room? Go ahead. Ask me. Well, okay, like… last week. But last week is too long for somebody who enjoys moving. The point is, sometimes I let business and life and stuff deter me from the stuff I NEED to feed my soul. Would I go a week without taking a shower? Um… NO. Would I skip oral hygiene for a week? Um…NO. Would I, could I skip getting dressed, brush my hair, wash my face, eat good food, drink water, write, drive anywhere I needed to go, put on makeup for work, read, talk, sleep, clean, cook, bake, appear, pick up my child from school, do her homework, edit my book, post on FB and Twitter, research, write some more, etc., etc., etc.???
Look. The purpose of this post is not to tell you about the millions of things I do everyday. The point is to share my struggle with prioritizing it all, in order to create the life I actually want to live in every day. I find a trillion things to fill up my day. A lot of which are rituals and habits. Some of them are necessary. But just like I wouldn’t skip brushing my teeth, it hasn’t been in best interests to skip my daily meditation or work out practice. But I do. I’ll find the time to write diatribes like this one in blog form, but no time at all to pull out my mat and do a Yoga session. I’m sure I’m not a lone in this prioritizing dilemma. Am I?
I went to Sanga last night. For those who are unaware, it’s a place where folk who meditate (or want to learn) can go to sit and meditate with other folk who like to meditate in a setting that is peaceful and tranquil. (There’s a more to it, but for the purpose of this post, go with it.) Going to Sanga, for the undisciplined is like a peer pressure way to make you sit in your practice with no distraction because everyone else is sitting with no distraction. It’s so funny to look at something so transformative in that way, but that’s really what it is. A place to go when your house is too hectic.
I went last night because I had this sinking feeling for the last few days. You ever get those tears that well up, but don’t fall? And you want to cry, but you really don’t have anything to cry about. You have a job. Health. General well-being and happiness. A dream you’re working on and a roof over your head. Your kids are happy and healthy and you’re closer than you were a day a go to where you want to be. But still, there’s something. Melancholy.
When I get that way, it means that change is brewing. I normally get antsy and find more to do with all the anxious energy. This time, every molecule in my body said, go to Sanga. And so I did. I know exactly what I’m supposed to do whilest there. I know where my eyes should be. I know to clear my thoughts. I know to find a focal point and tell my brain to shut up, nicely. I know to keep myself present. I do everything “right” while at Sanga. As expected, once I had cleared my head, the tears rolled down my cheeks. There were no sobs. It was the quietest, most natural cry in the world. A pin drop was louder than my tears hitting the zafu and zabuton I was sitting on.
Once the one hour sitting was over, I grabbed a glass of water and made my way home. I felt a little better once I found my way to my car. I wasn’t compelled to think much of anything at all–which is actually good. I felt clearer. It was a lesson, I suppose, in what I need to do at home. Daily.
A few hours later, after watching “the speeches” and allowing myself to get a little riled up by all the bullshit that politics brings out in the open, I got that sinking feeling again. That feeling that I’m either doing way too much or not nearly enough. I had to check myself. Find my mind back to the peace I felt sitting in Sanga. Once I had my head clear, I could work out the melancholy.
I’ve discovered that I suffer a bit from fear of failure. I want so desperately to be excellent and to not use being “human” as my excuse for not living up to my truest potential, that I literally run myself ragged. I know if I put my heart into something, I’ll be awesome at it. But what happens is, my head and skills elevate, but my foundation bottoms out. Does that make sense?
The lot of us do not have a daily routine that keeps us grounded in the basics. The basics of our spirit. The basics of our joy. The basics of those daily practices that keep us whole, loving, harmonious beings. We get busy and something gives. More than likely it’s our connection with our highest selves. By a show of hands, who really and truly gets up in the morning and before doing a single thing, sits for 5-10 minutes in silence and gratitude? If you’re anything like me, you got to get in the shower and get dressed. Maybe you’re late for work, got to get the kids ready for school. You’ve got a huge presentation at work you stayed up too late working on and now you’re too tired to think or eat. Meditate what? You mean my late ass in the car and into traffic and on with my day? Yeah, meditate that Envy.
I’ve learned that the quickest way to fail, is to a) lack priorities and b) not put one’s spiritual well-being at the top of one’s priority list.
I started that infamous bout with marathon training as an ode to my late Grandmother’s passing. It was my way of showing gratitude for the body I have and the body she found herself trapped in for too many months, for so many unhealthy reasons. I failed my challenge to myself because while my intentions were noble, they were grounded almost in making myself suffer. Adding one more thing to my schedule AND a thing I didn’t even really enjoy that much. I think I also wanted to be a little impressive. While I may have done some important inner work to lead me to that point, I hadn’t done enough of it and so, it fell off and I never had presence of mind enough to mention it again.
The last few weeks that I’ve been mentally preparing myself to Clean, I’ve allowed myself to ponder the idea of, what happens if I don’t get through it? What happens if I let this too go, because I don’t enjoy it? Or it adds too much burden to my schedule? Or I simply don’t feel like getting up and making a flipping fresh green smoothie?
I’m hoping the difference is that every other aspect of my life seems to want to go to the next level and this seemingly small part of my existence is not consistent. “As above, so below”, I’ve said before in earlier posts. What’s in the mind, manifests in the body and around us.
Do I think not keeping up with my daily meditation practice is keeping me in part from my greatest good and happiness in my daily life? Well, yes. In part. Do I think that not allowing my body the tools to flush out all kinds of crap I’ve let accumulate in my system –since whenever– is keeping me from feeling my best and living my best life? Yes, in part. Do I think that not being more consistent in what I put in my body and how I manage my food intake is keeping me from having all the life in my life that any blissful person could want? Yes, I do. As above, So Below. As Below, So Above. And so forth. Just as Dr. Junger says in his book, “You are what you eat. You eat what you are.” Everything in my life now is pointing to this as fact.
I don’t claim to have all the answers to much of anything at all. But I do know that something big has been damn near screaming my head off in my spirit for years. I would quell it by doing something significant for a while and go back to my regularly scheduled programming, once the noose loosened. It’s complicated work to stay in practice when the practice requires sitting still. It’s complicated work when keeping control of one’s thoughts is paramount to living the life one wants and sometimes that control comes explicitly from practicing not thinking at all.
And so here we are. Days away from the next first day of the rest of my life (and maybe yours?). I’m committed to this Cleansing. I’m committed because I honestly feel that while this may have started as a social experiment, what it actually is for me is a really great excuse to put into practice everything I know I should do, but tend not to be so consistent at doing. It’s a way for me to prioritize my life better and put my well-being at the top of my priorities list. It’s a way for me to elevate my meditation practice and by doing so practice being in the moment, instead of so far into my supposed future. It’s also a way for me to finally, finally make a habit out of being truly awesome. In eating even better. Getting more in tuned to my body’s needs. Making yoga a part of my daily routine. Removing so many different kinds of toxins from my life. And aligning my brain, body and my highest self in one accord. But not by way of fearing that I’ll fail. By way of PRACTICING daily successes.
I pray you’ll join me on this journey… join my fan page up at the top somewhere of this here blog. Yes, the half naked muscle shot. Yes. Click on it. Uh. Huh. Click “like”. There you go…
The moral of this story? Who knows. Just some food for thought. Thank you for reading this though. peace and abundant “super clean” blessings. Love, -e-