So. I had a very interesting conversation with a male person friend of mine yesterday that has been lingering a bit. The gist is that my friend “D” and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of male people of a certain age have no real idea about the rules of engagement. I don’t mean getting engaged either. I’m talking about the process of courting a woman. The nature of a gentleman. And also, how NOT to embarrass yourself by trying to be soooo impressive. To help the fellas out a bit, I’ve decided to compile a list of do’s and don’ts from my personal experience and the experience of some of my best girlfriends in this post, on how not to lose a woman’s interest in one date or less. You ready? Here we go.
Don’t…
Come at me like some common chicken. You see her from across the room. Like that new Mario song, she had your heart before she said hi. You go to the bar to get a drink to calm your nerves. It takes almost all night, but you finally get up the nerve to approach her. You walk up to her and say something like: “Damn girl, you so fiiiiiine. I wanna take you shopping.” *Dead.* She’s laughing, but not because you’re funny, it’s because you’re whack.
A line like that may work for any common, run of the mill chicken head. Shit. There are some chicas out there who are ready to rock and roll if you get her a well drink from an open bar. However, any woman of quality don’t want to hear that shit. Even if you’re balling. Particularly if you’re balling. With that one statement, you’ve cheapened yourself and her and put a shopping trip in line with your want of her affections. Real women don’t right care about that mess. Committed relationships are one thing. Just meeting at the spot, that’s down right disrespectful.
Do…
Be yourself. There is nothing worse in my opinion than a guy who brings his representative with him on first, second, third, fourth, fifth… dates. Sure, we all like to put out best foot forward to be impressive when we’re just getting to know one another. However, there’s a big difference between taking a shower and putting on cologne and wearing your Sunday suit on a date, and renting a high end car so she won’t see you driving your hooptie.
If a chica won’t like you in your hooptie or with your bus pass around your neck, what do you think will happen when she finds out that car you picked her up in ain’t actually yours? I hate false pretenses. I’d rather a dude just tell me what it is and be confident in who he is, no matter what his bank account looks like. The same goes for taking folk to fancy places you know damn well is not in your current budget. Okay, so I suggest Del Frisco’s. No need for you to be sweating me while I’m eye balling what I want to eat. *OMG, please don’t order the lobster. OMG is she really ordering the filet?!* Meanwhile, sweat beads are forming on your forehead and upper lip, as you count the money in your pocket.
BE YOURSELF. BE UP FRONT. “Look Envy, I would love to take you to Del Frisco’s, but I’ll be honest, I ain’t rolling like that. I do have an idea for a great place I think you’ll enjoy instead.” That’s cool, classy and up front. I don’t feel like you’re just being a cheap ass and you don’t have to want to throw up when my filet and lobster comes. Of course, the other alternative is to be all the way on top of your game and research places you think would match your female love interest’s style, but is still within your budget–without asking her for suggestions. A lady loves a pleasant surprise. If you’re on your game, you can open her world some–to that fabulous BYOB with the spectacular food that seems like only you know about… I get it. Everybody wants to appear to be a baller, but that baller shit is so overrated. To me, authentic relationships are not based on superficial bullshit. And where you take a woman to dinner is not going to make or break your potential with her, provided it’s not McDonald’s. OMG.
Don’t…
Talk more shit than you can ever back up. My favorite thing in the world is to listen to a “king talk shit” plead his case on how he’s this or that. I’ll sit with a polite smile on my face for a few minutes. Until it gets really annoying and then when the time is exactly right–I feel no hesitation in beating that bitch ass dude down with several pronouns, verbs and adjectives. Confidence is one thing. False arrogance mixed with verbal manipulation is something else completely. *Do I look stupid? Really? Cause you talking to me like one of us in this conversation is stupid.* All these dudes who like to talk all that hot mess in my ear, do nothing more than make my ear sweaty and in need of a tissue. Real dudes to me, don’t have to talk more than they do. I could give a million examples. However, there just isn’t enough time in the world.
Do…
Be a man of your word. I may not be on time ALLLLL the time, but, I do expect if somebody says they’ll be present at a certain time, I expect them to be. If a guy tells me he’ll call me back later, I expect him to. If a guy makes plans with me and he doesn’t follow through, I take it that he’s not serious. Maybe it’s unfair to think that because things come up, but whatever. In my mind, if my being in your presence is important to you, you’ll do whatever it takes to keep your word to me. Period.
Don’t…
Be a bugaboo. OMG. There is nothing worse than meeting a total cutie with a bangin body, great convo, giving you the impression that he may, might could get the business. And then… he just works your ever lasting nerves with the every day, 3 times a day phone calls when you just met a week ago. The asking where you at and where you been and why you ain’t call him back. The 10 love poems in your inbox. The 19 texts since lunch. The statement: “you know you can call me sometimes.” And the like. I know I said be yourself, but damn. If being obsessive and possessive at day 3 is your self, maybe instead of dating, you should consider therapy. I’m just saying.
Another pet peeve is when a girl tells a guy she’s not interested and he still hears in his own head “she’s just playing hard to get”. Maybe she is. It happens sometimes. To me, playing hard to get is saying “NO!” but there’s that chemical flirt that happens in the process that BOTH of ya’all feel. She’s telling you “NO!” with a ginormous smile on her face and her hands in her hair seductively. She’s clearly teasing you. Maybe that’s why guys get confused when a girl they meet is stick straight not interested and says “AWWWWW HELLLLL NOOOOOOOO!” and the guys stills hears “maybe”. The only advice I can give you is to pay attention to the subtext. NOT YOURS dude, hers.
19 times out of 11, when a lady tells a man she likes him as a friend, that’s what she means. I can’t deal when guys take a solid “NO WAY!” as a maybe. The majority of women know within the first 5 seconds to 5 minutes if they are interested in somebody. It’s in our intuition. It’s in your smell (strange but true). If you approach a woman and she says no without the slightest stutter. Move on. Please don’t take it as a thrill of the chase challenge beginning. That’s just your ego. I’ve seen too many male people get their hearts broken because they refused to tell their ego to chill and move on to the chick who’s eyeing him back. I’m just saying. Just because you feel a vibe, doesn’t mean it’s coming from her.
DO NOT EVER…
Suggest to go “DUTCH” on a date. NEVER. EVER. EVER. Not with a woman you want to be YOUR woman. Well, I can’t speak for all women–don’t suggest that hot mess to me anyway. I don’t care if she asked you out or you asked her. 9 1/2times out of 10, the woman you want to date has her own money. She can very likely pay for her own meal or movie ticket or whatever. That does not mean your job of gentlemanly behavior goes to pot. Chivalry is NOT dead in my world. I’ll tell you this, if I’m pulling out my credit card on a date and it ain’t nobody’s birthday, best believe I’m doing it to make a point and that point will be very well made. I promise you won’t like it nearly as much as I will. I know, harsh. Best to leave the word “Dutch” out of your vocab then.
I get it. It’s a lot of pressure on guys to invest in taking a woman out. Courting a woman is expensive. Flowers for no reason. Mileage on your car. Paintballing in the middle of a recession. Okay so, to me, if a guy likes me in his presence, the work should be no sweat off his back–within reason, of course. (I’ll admit, some chicas take it too far) However, my time is valuable. It takes a lot of energy for me to get fabulous so you can look good with me on your arm. *Miss America wave* If I’m not worth the “investment” of paying for a few dinners, and using your creative juices to make our times together special– obviously, I don’t mean that much to you do I? My attitude is, we already know you can get the cookie from some chick with a well drink from an open bar. Obviously, there has to be some balance. Consider me and my fellow diva’s that balance. Plus, you’d save so much money if you were more selective in your, uh, dating scenario.
And finally…
Don’t…
Be an asshole and think you have any control over when the sex happens–if it happens. I get it. We grown. Sex can happen on date 1 or date 201. We may even talk about sex in our flirty conversations. None of that matters to a woman. We’ll have sex with whomever we want, whenever we choose to. Male people have little control over when that happens. Sorry. You can spend a gagillion dollars on us. You can talk all the shit you want. You can have the best body and the best “game”. You can literally exhaust your arsenal of whatever it is you THINK you do to get a girl ripe and in the sack with you. Believe me when I tell you, YOU had very little to do with it. Women are odd creatures in that way. A guy that ain’t worth our time may get it without any effort and a guy we may want to spend the rest of our ever loving lives with may have to jump through hoops to get it. It all depends on the woman, timing and the stars, the moon and all of the planets aligning properly. The best advice I can give you is to be yourself. If a woman really likes you, you’ll know. If she really doesn’t, you’ll know that too. If she wants to have sex with you, she will. But it certainly won’t be on your time. The timing is all hers. Pimpin.
Wow. This was fun. I feel a part two coming on. Agree or disagree with my do’s and don’ts if you please. I love reading your feedback.
The moral of this story? No clue. Just some food for thought. Thank you for reading this though. I bid you safe travels in your dating journey. Peace and Abundant “keep her interest” blessings! Love, -e-